Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Slang in Asia-Pt.1

Since living here, my friends and I have developed an extensive slang vocabulary to better articulate the flavors of the culture in Taipei, Taiwan:

Short for Sorry.
"Sars I'm late, I forgot to turn on my alarm this morning."

Noun derived from Captain Ahab in Moby Dick who obsessively pursued the Big White Whale. Refers to a local women who specifically tries to get white foreign boyfriends or someone who has Western Fetish or an Americanizer.
" Gurl is such an Ahab. She goes after anything that's white. Can't she at least date someone foreign and not homeless looking??!"

Done Hwa'ed:
Phrase referring to hip and expensive Zhongxiao Dunhua area in Taipei where you will shop your salary away.
"Hwa" is the Mandarin Chinese word for "spend".
"I feel like shit. I up and done hwa'ed all my money yesterday on shoes and now I can't pay my rent."

Noun that describes a really square looking, usually older foreign guy scoping for young hot asian chicks. Derived from Carnegies, a bar in Taipei that has a reputation for lots of Local Asian Girl/Foreigner One Night Stands.
"OMG- that guy in the Members Only Jacket? TOTAL CARNIE! Hide your sister!"

Adjective that describes a place of squalor that could easily breed filth and disease. Or a description of feeling ill yourself.
"I'm feeling a little avian right now after sitting on that bus with all the Asians coughing with their mouths open."

Dropping the English Bomb:
Phrase that describes the unique experience of being Asian and completely blending in..until you start speaking fluent English and the people around you snap their heads to stare.
"Shite...I just dropped the English bomb in the elevator when I answered your call and everyone stared at me like a freak."

Noun describing a contest usually between two Asian Americans of non-Japanese denomination to see who gets mistaken for being Japanese more while living in Taiwan. (Because if your Chinese sucks and you're Asian, you're obviously Japanese. No WAY are you American! Americans have blonde hair and blue eyes!)
"I WIN the Jap-Off! The 7-Eleven girl just said 'Arigato' to me when I left the store!"

Okay..that's it for now. More later. I promise.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Happy Chinese New Year of Stuffing Your Face!

Just to give everybody an idea of what I've been doing THIS WHOLE NEW YEAR'S so far.....

1.Duck Stew
2.Tiny Lobster Tails
4. Roast Pork
5.Beef Stomach (i swear it's good!)
6. Snow Peas, Carrots, Mushrooms
7.Asparagus, Mushrooms, Bamboo
8. Squid
9.Chinese Sausages
10. Pork with 5 Layers
11. Yummy Oil Chicken
12. Beef Roast
13. Mom's Famous Roast Duck
14. Yummy Fish
15. Meatballs and Cabbage Soup
16. Japanese Apples
17. Asian Pears

And that's just the first night. Oh yowza.

Here are some closeups and alternate angles to give everyone a better idea of how crazy I went at the table.

Stay tuned for more food adventures this holiday!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Sweeping Out 2005

Following the Chinese New Year tradition, my whole company had to roll up their sleeves and pitch in to CLEAN AND SCRUB every nook, cranny, crevice and crack of our office clean before we all broke for the holidays. By doing this, we are removing all the bad luck that may have accumulated there over the past year.

I contributed mightily by documenting the process...aka running around taking pictures of everybody ELSE cleaning.

Here are some of the highlights:

YC and Mao attack the conference room.

Scott and Lucky clean a display model, while Scott disses it. "I'm not saying it's BAD, I'm only saying there is a lot of room for the artist to improve and I'd be MORE than willing to tell him how. MWAHHAHAHAA!"

Lucky finds a SPOT! Get it, get it get it!!!!

Dude, Michael. Are you working or talking to your girlfriend?!

I feel like I'm in Star Trek whenever I pass through this hallway.

To fit more workers, we installed these prison cells, I mean cubicles. UM...any suggestions on how to make them more FRIENDLY looking? How can we feng shui this place up?!

My boss' cubicle. LORD.

After everyone cleaned, the other manager and I examined their workspaces and gave them permission to leave.
I stuck around and took some pictures of all the toys in our office. Wow, the half naked anime girls are very popular.

I like this tradition. The whole company rolling up their sleeves and cleaning up our own accumulated mess together. That's a great way to end and start a year in my opinion.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Madonna Gets Super Spoofed on Japanese Television

Got this from one of our R&D guys who was HOWLING from his desk.
As my friend Eric would call it, this is so TFO- Total Fierceness Overload.

Fast forward past Madonna's performance and GO STRAIGHT to the Samurai Guy when he comes out.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Asian Males Are More Secure in Their Masculinity-Part 2

From Taiwan. My land. My home. My people.

I see a theme emerging. Asian men don't give a damn if you think they're gay. If they want to wear wigs, dance in short shorts, and channel BEYONCE in public, then go and make out with their hot girlfriends...they will. Seriously, do any of the males back in the states have the COJONES to do this?

Word on the internets is the backup dancers are women...but "Beyonce" is a dude whose got a girlfriend. F'reals.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


Honestly, can this day get any worse?!

Oh, it just did.

I'll spare you the details.

Just TRUST me.

>:P phhbbtttt.......

Monday, January 09, 2006

First Celebrity Sellout of the Year!

Thank god Richard Gere had a credit card or else he'd never have been able to make friends with that little Indian girl.

When I first saw this I thought it was a little odd. I don't think Richard's posse usually includes young Indian minors. But now that I've seen the commercial, this makes a little more sense. Is it playing in the States?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Ghost in the Geisha: Robo Asians Are Fierce

Looking at the poster for the new Memoirs of a Geisha film starring ZZ Yi, I couldn't help but feel like I was staring at a promo for the live action version of Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence.

I know the blue eyes for Sayuri, ZZ's character was a MAJOR PLOT POINT in the book to make up for the fact that she was WAY BORING otherwise. And yes, Geisha's are supposed to have white skin.

STILL, did they have to make her look like such a cyborg? And where did her nose go?!!?

On that note:

At last, the trifecta is now complete!

Seriously, is eye color the only thing Michael Jackson HASN'T changed about his appearance? He might as well conquer that anthill and join up with his sistahs.

Closing Thoughts and Ruminations:

*Asians in color contacts look inhuman and robotic.
*Michael Jackson should move to Asia. Black Hair,Whitening Lotion, Sars Mask already in vogue.
*Stay tuned for my Memoirs review after I see the film. (I am actually quite curious)

Glue Your Lids Back you Idolizer of Western Beauty, You!

Scary Asian Makeup
Originally uploaded by hellinjay.
The only nice thing I have to say about this is at least it's reversible.

Sometimes I see girls take it too far with the surgery.
Pretty weird. They don't look Asian. They don't look foreign. But you can tell they're not mixed. It's like their faces LITERALLY reflect the whole muck of their indentity issues. Oh yea, and they can't blink.

Friday, January 06, 2006

For Xmas A Guy Tried to Beat me Up at Luxy!

I went to the Christmas party at Luxy's where a guy twice my size, high on Ecstasy and NOT feeling the love tried to beat me up. Luckily his friends held him back and I was whisked away by my pals.

Luxy is Taipei's biggest/smokiest/most overpriced/crowded nightclub. I normally avoid it, but I went with good friends who got me a free pass inside. As usual, the hip hop was strong, the dancing derivative, and everyone was ignoring all sorts of fire and building code violations.

The story isn't really worth repeating in detail. All I can say was I was joking around by pretending to freak out like some agoraphopic germaphobic freak. And yea, at one point I just started yelling (like Invader Zim):

"All these FIIIIILTHY GEEEEERMY PEEEEEOPLE! Noone Fuckin' touch me!"

Some strangers who understood English too laughed with us. Except this one guy. He started cursing me out.



Then he did started heaving his chest out, trying to get in my face, then backing away, all the while staring me down, before lunging, arms flailing to punch me. It was so National Geographic.

INCREDIBLY,two hours later my friend sees a guy checking her out, and it's HIM.
And he's sitting with a group of people she KNOWS.

Later, we found out this guy:
a) was high on ecstasy
b) was a proud graduate of Taipei American School
c) had changed his tactic from hitting girls to just hitting ON them.
d) didn't recognize me as the 110 lb. girl he tried to beat up hours earlier

Why do I have trouble meeting people in Taipei? Particularly guys? Do you really need to ask?

On that note. Does Luxy follow fire and building code violations? And why do so many people in Taipei need ecstasy to have a good time when they go out? Seriously, they pop them like Tic Tacs over here.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Maximum Extreme Marshmallow Maxi Pads!

Yes. This proves that the Chinese will eat anything.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Lies My Mother Have Told Me #1

Just over a year ago, while I was still considering the wide eyed option of traveling to a foreign land, my mom SHAMELESSLY bribed me over here with the idea of us getting a family car and letting me drive it around Taipei. And not just ANY car...

Mom:Your Grandmother is outraged that Chen Shui-Bian's [Current President of Taiwan that my family loathes] son is driving a Jaguar around the city and parking it in spaces reserved for high ranking military officers..."

Me: Oh yea? What did she say?

Mom: She said, "Chen thinks he's so great. What's the big deal?! We can get a Jaguar too! Let Helen drive one when she gets here!"

My ears perked up. First of all, I didn't even know we could afford a Jaguar.

Mom: I mean, we SHOULD get a car. The new apartment we're moving into has a parking space and it'd be a shame not to use it. Plus there's no subway near our house, so we'd HAVE to get a car. And you can drive to the mountains, and the beach with your friends whenever you'd like....


Mom: (reeling in the fish) But seriously. She prefers a Mercedes Benz. She feels those are the safest cars.

Me in My Head: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's fast forward to present day. My mom COMPLETELY denies this conversation ever took place. (Because we all know I have a tendency to hallucinate long distance calls concerning luxury vehichles) She said I could get a scooter, then nixed that idea too. Finally, I had to buy my own crappy one speed bicycle. Her response:

"You can do whatever you want. It's your money."

Needless to say, from a Jaguar to a one speed. Genius, Mom...genius.

New Years at Taipei 101 a.k.a. 9/11 Sponsored by SONY

As someone who just recently moved from NYC to Taipei, this was a pretty weird start for my New Year...

In retrospect maybe I shouldn't have been standing RIGHT underneath the tallest building in the world as it was LIT UP with fireworks and flames shooting from its sides. I honestly had no idea that was how they were going to approach it. I surely didn't expect to think..."Wow, this is so 9/11" as I started off my 2006. But then things got more surreal with the introduction of this...

For the less eagle eyed...here's a better close up of what it says from this dude Tanjun's Flickr Site:

WHAT A COMMERCIAL! Sony must have ponied up a ton of money to get that kind of publicity. Seriously, for the rest of the night and at work the next day everyone was debating if it was the word "Bravo" misspelled or wondering out loud what the heck a "Bravia" even is. My friends and I started booing once they flashed the Sony ad on the 101 Tower after it showed up. Today I was ranting about how the commercialism sucked, until I came across this awesome panoramic VIRTUAL TIMES SQUARE New Years photo! (Complete with sounds and Mariah Carey's cleavage)

That put things a LITTLE more in perspective.
How many ads can you find in the photo? Let's make an Eye Spy Game out of this!!!

HAPPY 2006! Buy lots of Sony Bravias after you find out what it is and show Mimi some love by paying to see her (inevitable) next feature that she'll surely be droppin' this year!

Me in Asia

Howdy. This is a girl I saw two years ago at the peak of the SARS outbreak crisis in Taiwan. As you can see she had on a SARS mask emblazoned with a knockoff Mickey Mouse face on it. SO RIDICULOUS and HILARIOUS. Which basically summarizes what living in Asia is like for me most of the time. I also couldn't think of an image to better rep this log and who I am.

Medium: Flash+ Memory based on a misplaced sketch