Sunday, October 29, 2006

Making a Shrimp Sushi Hat for Halloween

The Inspiration:


The Sushi Express Mascots


The Materials:


Pillow With Stuffin' Taken Out


The Journey:


Using a brow pencil I draw the outline for half of the shrimp body.


Cut shape out and gluestick it to the cloth again. Hey, I didn't have any pins.


Draw an outline for the body again, sew over the line, and cut out the shape.


Invert body and fill with stuffing...sew it to swim cap base.


Pre fitting-to evaluate if the stuffing ratio is just right when it's sitting on my head.


Sewing the middle indentationM


I tried sewing this shrimp on with the cap off, but it really cut down on its elasticity and it wouldn't fit over my damn big head. So now I'm sewing this shrimp on VERY CAREFULLY with the cap ON.


Like I said to my friends. It looks like I'm wearing a damn maxi pad on my head.


So it's time to break out the shrimp tail (pink foam sheet) and poster paint!


When the paint finishes drying, I sew the tail on and now we have a whole shrimp.


Because I chose a blue swimp cap, I sew the "rice" portion on underneath the shrimp. In addition I cut a ribbon of white cloth to wrap it around my head where the rice meets my hairline.


The End Result:


With an elastic band tied underneath for safety, and some scary Joker makeup on, I am officially SHRIMP SUSHI for Halloween.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Coming Soon!



Mr. Michael "Photoshop Perfectionist" Chang asked me what the future of "Hiding in Asia" would be after I left Taiwan. What would I call the blog then?

This is his suggestion.

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Halloween in Taipei 2005



Halloween is not just trick or treat, fun and games. It's also an opportunity for all of us to change our external appearances for the sake of affecting others. In this clip, Tom puts the camera on Danny as he gets DEEP into the ugly side of this holiday.

Halloween Already?!?!!?!

I was recently in one of those mega all purpose Japanese Chain stores the other day and was snapping pictures left and right. This is the same tactic I deploy at nightmarkets and souvenir shops or whenever I'm in a place that sells "stuff-you-don't-need-but-think-you-do-until-you've-paid-for-it."

After doing a photoseries on some kitschy ashtrays and miniature fast food keychains, I ventured across THIS O GLORIOUS SITE:


Oh crapcrapcrapcrapcrappitycrapCRAP is it Halloween ALREADY?!?

Every year, I place a high expectation on what my costume will be. Usually by this time I have an idea of what my costume is and I would have had all the basic materials already. But now I've realized I only have TWO DAMN WEEKS to get my shite together.

Oh yea, and to make it harder on myself- I refuse to do store bought costumes.

Exhibit Number 1:



My ...err..I didn't know a Triceratops was so....endowed with...such limbs.

Exhibit Number 2:



By the way...this costume is aptly called "The CHINAMAN" and yes, that IS a white guy wearing it. Two Wongs Make a White, Anyone?

(Note: Both costumes were sold in Taipei.)

Anyway, I've got two weeks, and in those two weeks, I'm going to need something to top LAST YEAR'S HALLOWEEN:



-which was triggered the MOMENT my friend Danny tried on a children's size 12 Tiger costume in the rental shop:

So plainly put, yea, HOW THE HECK DO I TOP THIS ?!?!

I'm a bit flummoxed right now. :(

Friday, October 06, 2006

When Things Go Wrong at the Candy Shoppe

So there's a big store in my neighborhood that sells stationary, plush toys, hair accessories, jewelry and candy. Simply put, the place just peddles CUTE.



See what I mean?

But amidst all this G-rated fare, I soon ventured upon some pretty ridiculous items.



Is it wrong that my thoughts immediately go to "heroin" instead of "vaccine shot"?

And then things got weirder in the chocolate aisle:



"Oh Honey, you bought me....porn...oh wait! No, it's...CHOCOLATE...porn."
Apparently, the headlines read something like um, "How to Mature Faster into a Man" and something about "extending the hours of..." etc...Apparently, you can open up the "magazine" to discover chocolates in the shapes of some sexy bodyparts.
I made the mistake of asking my mom to translate the cover. "Well, it's not nice things, Helen. Are you sure you want to know?"

BUT THE CROWNING GLORY WAS WHEN I DISCOVERED THESE!



MARSHMALLOW SANITARY PADS! I finally found them.

I'll be buying these babies in bulk before I come home. You know..for presents. Any takers?

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Weatherman Scared of Roach

I know this isn't in Asia, but I thought this merited a special entry in my blog since this is an, um, almost daily occurence for me in Taipei. And of course, like this guy, I start screaming and crying like a little sissy girl.

Trivia: The Taiwanese nickname for cockroach is Xiao Chiang aka "Little Strong", I guess since those lil' fuckers never die!!!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Jobs Aren't the Only Thing You Can Outsource



I've been sneezing,wheezing and gagging up a storm in Taipei recently, due to what my doctor calls "allergy affected asthma".

In my bid to research just how bad the pollution is here (oh and believe me I have my own suspicions) I found this article that says:
a) Taiwan's air pollution was MUCH worse a decade ago.
b) But that doesn't mean Taiwan really got rid of the pollution.

Read up on what I'm talking about here:
Salon Article: How the World Works

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Cultural Exchange at the Office



In Asia, it's really important to learn English in order to get ahead in business. If anyone has any questions, I try to help out as much as I can. Here, I teach Scott all the different ways you can say "shit".

(in Chinese it's "Shi", 3rd tone)

Monday, August 21, 2006

Humor in Japan....

one word...HUMILIATION!!!!!!
So this is what happens in countries that aren't as litigious as the United States.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Humor in Asia


Ok...I know I bitch a lot about the lack of "quarity" comedy in Asian culture. But these 2 Chinese Boys have served me up a Louis Vuitton Filet Mignon in Caviar because DAMN I am laughing so hard over it.

The 2 Chinese Boys are the funniest people I've seen come from Asia while I've been here. Their brand of humor is perfect for me, because it doesn't depend on wordplay and obscure cultural references which I think is keeping me from appreciating the Taiwanese Comedy scene. Basically, I'm not Chinese Smart enough, I guess.

It may not be obvious, but one of the hardest things about moving to a new country isn't just getting over the language barrier. There's a HUMOR barrier as well-and it has me more stressed out than the language barrier.

After I moved to Taiwan, I realized how much of my life revolved around humor. To make friends, to do my job, to de-stress, to get inspiration from for my own art projects, make good first impressions,,,errrr to FUNCTION, you get the idea.

I think this was especially brought out after I got my most recent work evaluation. My worst scores were in Communication AND teamwork and that really bummed me out because those used to be the traits that everyone praised me for. Frankly this left me demoralized for weeks and it really messed with my self-concept.

As I was philosophizing over it, I realized that one good reason for the disconnect may be because I am used to depending on humor a lot in dealing with people at work. When we communicate with people, especially while managing them, the underlying goal is to feel comfortable with them and make the other person feel comfortable too. And humor is my way. If someone doesn't make a deadline, I'm not apt to pour them a cup of tea and hold their hand asking for an explanation...I'm more likely to make a short joke with the underlying message, "Yea, just get it to me fast then or I kick your ass." Channeling a caricature of Meryl in Devil Wears Prada may be the recipe to success in NYC, but here, it just gets lost on people, and people would just assume I'm a straight up bitch rather than realize I was making the fool out of myself to make the other person feel better while dishing an awkward message.

Sadly, after almost two years here I have accepted that: a) I don't find a lot of Chinese comedy funny and b) People in Taiwan don't understand me when I try to be funny. After almost two years of living here, and having people not get your jokes a lot and not laughing as much as I used to, it really wears you down. Imagine, being seen as that person who can't tell a simple joke-it must be like having a conversation with a robot. Or a serial killer.

People assume that being Chinese American in Taiwan, my biggest identity crisis would be "Am I Chinese? Or Am I American?" but frankly, it isn't. Instead it's "Am I funny? Or am I just a dork?"

Monday, August 14, 2006

Our Former Family Home in Taipei-A Year Later


I moved to Taipei almost two years ago to help my mother and grandmother move out of the Japanese style home they've lived in for forty years. In Taiwan, our home was on government property, doled out to us from the government because of my grandfather's service in the Army. Now they were reclaiming the land (valued at 3 million American dollars!!!) and putting us in a brand new apartment building for displaced officers and their families. (not worth 3 million dollars) There was an effort to preserve the house which was about 100 years old, and a former home to an adviser to Chiang Kai Shek and the grandfather of the first Chinese American Astronaut...but we lost out and this poor place will be razed. Most like to make way for a character-less shell of an apartment building. Or a parking garage.


I took these photographs a year after we moved out. I was moving to an apartment near my family's new place, and we still had some old furniture left inside that we could use. A private from the Taiwanese Army let us in. Here you can see the extent of the termite damage to the outside structure.


This used to be a very grand living room. The tents are there because the roof was leaking, and towards the end when we knew we had to move out we just didn't bother fixing the roof. (plus, all the roofers who knew how to fix these old houses were all too old to climb up them anymore) That's why we resorted to using these tarps the last few months were were there.


Not even a week after we moved out, some thieves broke into the house and stole/cut out a priceless wood carving that was used as a room divider. It was a horrible blow to us, because at the time were still holding out hope that the house would be chosen for restoration by the historical society. The carving was to have been a major centerpiece for our argument for its value and beauty. On top of that, they ripped down picture frames and stole very valuable art work that we had hidden behind the cheaper art, and rummaged through all the leftover drawers. We felt horrible, but then the police came and MADE IT WORSE by doing a half ass job of investigating the crime...and then looking around our home for stuff that they could "take off our hands"! They never caught the thieves, but they left with our garden decorations.


This is the remaining wood carving that the thieves tried to take with them, but then thought better of later when they realized that by sawing it off, they risked causing the entire roof to crash in on them. Hmmph. It'd serve them right if it did.


Our old kitchen. That is a remnant of the painting that used to decorate our front entrance. I guess the thieves ripped it up to wrap the valuables they stole from our house on this table.


This is the upstairs apartment. My grandfather had a cousin, one of the few relatives he had who was able to leave China and come to Taiwan with him and my grandma. I called him "Uncle" and he used to take me to the park and tease me when I was a kid. He never married, but lived with us instead, maintaining his own bachelor existence upstairs in the teenage bedroom of my Uncles Thomas and James, who had since moved out. He passed away when I was in America, but because I never saw him when he was sick, his death still doesn't seem that real to me.


This used to be one of Uncle's old desks. After his death, I adopted his old room as my "area" because it was the quietest place in the house. Sometimes I would find little notes he'd leave for himself there, such as a poem reminding him not to lose his temper, and how to maintain a sense of happiness about his daily life.


Obviously WE didn't leave the library like this. Apparently, more burglars came in after the first round and they ransacked through all of my grandfather's old books. We were in the process of donating them, and it just made me so upset. These books are mainly business textbooks from my grandfather's MBA courses at Indiana University from the 1960s...Uncle James' Computer Science Textbooks from the 70s....and Uncle Thomas' old coin collection books. Later, I found and kept a book on Astral Projection from the collection. My mom found a holographic poster of Jesus Christ's Crucifixion scene. It's awesome. You shift it to the left and right, and it looks like Jesus is swaying on that cross. We have no idea where it came from. Mom credits the robbers for unearthing it.


I found a dead cat in the study. It had presumably crawled in through the termite ridden wall just to find a quiet place and die. Animals, especially cats and dogs have been known to do that, they like to go to dark,quiet places and leave the world alone with their dignities intact. The poor thing was just a pile of dust and orange fur when I found it. I wondered if it was Morris, the orange stray that I used to help feed 7 years ago. Him and his sisters were born in our backyard and adopted it as their home on and off while we lived in the house. 7 years would be a good life for a wild cat. The average lifespan for strays in Taipei is usually 5 years.


This was the room I shared with my mom when I first arrived in Taipei from Dec 2004 to March 2005. I wound up taking the wooden desk to my new apartment. It's about 50 years old, and used to belong to my grandfather. Later, as I was cleaning it, I removed the shelving paper in the drawers, and found a naked pinup chick from the 70s on the other side!!!! Luckily, it wasn't grandpa's. It was....mom's? They came from the contraband porno calendars she seized as a customs agent at the airport where she worked right out of college. She thought the paper was "good quality" ...and it was, lasting like 30 years.


When my grandpa was sick, we put his bed near those windows so he could get fresh air and sunlight. He really enjoyed looking out at our garden.


My grandfather used to keep this Japanese styled garden IMMACULATE, but since we moved, this place has taken on a wild look. Flowers growing on the floor, the vines out of place...it's very Secret Garden.


Toilet still works! The bathroom and my mom and aunt's childhood rooms were concrete additions later added to the house during the 60s. Observe the funky tiles.


Leaving to go back out the front yard. The robbers thought about stealing that (empty) wooden padlocked crate and that old purse of my grandma's, but then changed their minds, leaving them by the door.


This fellow hung on our front door. He looks like Aslan from Narnia. If I have a chance, I'm going to rescue him before they knock the house down.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Taipei One of the Top 10 Rudest Cities


People are sometimes skeptical when I bitch about how rude people in Taipei are.

"Yea, Helen...like New Yorkers are so nice to begin with."

And I always weakly defend myself by saying, " Well,I just felt that in NYC...people were actually more considerate."

WELL....THIS PROVES IT SUCKAHS!!!!!!

Let's Review:

NYC: Most Polite City.
Taipei: 7 out of the top 10 RUDEST CITIES IN THE WORLD.

This definately makes me feel better about getting whacked in the face with a sun parasol TWICE in the same day, and getting no apologies.

Albeit...this was a study based on Western standards for politeness....blah blah blah...and I think that in NYC, if you poked someone in the eye with your umbrella, you wouldn't be apologizing because it was "the way [you] were brought up". Nuh UH...if you were a real New Yorker you'd be doing it out of fear that your victim would say something like, "Excuse YOU..BITCH! FUCKIN' watch where you're going..stupid whore."

But yea, come on. If you drop a stack of papers on the ground and noone bothers to help you out...that's fuckin'cold.


Ha ha...this really shouldn't be news though. I mean, how could we have forgotten this???

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Not Gay, but MAGICAL Male Hair Sytlists of Love

Some more promotional pictures for those manly boys in The Magicians of Love.









The shoes! The hair! The man jewelry! THE EYELINER!

Simply HAWT.

The Magicians of Love



The Magicians of Love, whose ratings have proved it to be a hugely popular TV series in Taiwan, stars the handsome boys from Taiwanese boy group 183 Club, plus beautiful young actress Joanne Tseng. Three top hairstylists in town, Artz (Matt Lin, aka Ming Dao), Riche (Sam Wang), and Fernando (Jacky Chu) opens the "Neo-Image Hair Salon" just opposite to the traditional barber's shop run by Little Bei (Joanne Tseng) and her father. The new "Neo-Image Hair Salon" is also a big blow to Ming (Ehlo Huang), apprentice of Little Bei's father who always claims to be Little Bei's boyfriend. Worse still, Little Bei becomes attracted to the charismatic top hairstylists, especially Artz and Riche. What will become the future of Little Bei's shop - and her love life - in this highly entertaining romantic TV drama?

UM. I had a WHOLE snarky blog entry about this...but I think the official series synopsis pretty much speaks for itself.

:)

p.s.-OK, I can't help but say this though. A WHOLE ENTIRE series about heterosexual male hairdressers in MULLETS fighting over a girl with a FEMULLET?!?!?!?!

p.p.s.- oh, and if this show couldn't get any gayer....a more accurate Chinese translation for the series is The MAGICAL Hairdressers of Love .

Saturday, May 20, 2006

I Am Alive

Man...you live a month without internet and it gets harder and harder to find time to contact your friends from home! BOOOOOOOOO Helen!!!!

I love you all still, and for the last friggin' time I AM NOT GOING NATIVE AND STAYING IN ASIA FOREVER!!!

Quick catch ups and shout outs to the following (I am such a lazy cow, I know):

Elyse- heeding your call I am blogging my ass off right now for you instead of sleeping. (Bitch-u better miss me now!)

Latrisse- it's so good to hear from you again. Next time I see you it'll be as if we saw each other just the week before. :)

Emily- your hospitality makes me weep from gratitude. Hong Kong Disneyland is SO ON!

Tariq-just got your mail...dude! Great to hear from you. We miss you here in this land of crazies.

JaSandra- I keep seeing whale and piscine inspired paraphernalia I want to buy you guys! I want to see pictures of the most recent performance, and thanks for the rundown of NYC 2006!

Lulu- I GOT YOUR PACKAGE! OMFG!!! DOMINOE MAGAZINE IS THE BEST BEST BEST!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAH!!!!!! Miss u!!!!!!!!!

Joe- You BLOG that ass off!!! You're still an awesome writer! I love it.

Anika- so good talking again. Can't wait to see you.

And finally, here's some pictures of me to make all of you miss me EVEN MORE. (Eat your heart out Elyse, you COLD COLD SNAKE! MISS ME NOW!!??!!? LOL!)



I got new glasses...this makes me look insanely smarter. Better to fool people with!



I took up smoking!



Just kidding! Ciggy smoke still puts me to sleep faster than watching Chinese MTV. And I also want to preserve my sperm count.



The Real World: Taipei which consists of me, Katie, Danny, Leon and Cherie on our road trip out to Miaoli.



Developed mutant powers on my trip to Hong Kong.



As well as drinking powers. TEQUILA SHOTS WITH EMILY TING AGAIN!!! YAY!



And finally, here's a picture of the RANDOM sculpture Ellen and I found of Chiang Kai Shek in an alley. HOT!

Will blog more, will write more, will call more, will mail more.

Promise.

Love,
Helen :)