Hiding in Asia

Return to Taipei

2009-01-09T22:45:00.001+08:00

Hello, I'm jetlagged.

e_e

What else can explain a sudden spurt in hot blogging action at 6:00 in the morning?!?!

I just came home from a two week vacation in Taipei, where I totally spent some SOOPER DOOPER HIGH LEVEL quality time with the family. Got to spend almost every moment with mom:

A cab rider mistook my mom for my older sister. Now I'm using anti aging cream.

And reunited with Dad and my 90 year old Grandma:

That's right. My grandma is 90 YEARS OLD. Ain't she the cutest?

While staying home with mom, I discovered that as much as things change, some things do indeed (sigh) stay the same. Case in point, the boxes are STILL piled up in our house:

Posting this photo is guaranteed to get me murdered by my mother.

But oh! there is a bright glimmer of hope light shining through this clutter. Took Mom to Muji and Daiso and she was very receptive to their idea of home organization and simplified design. YES!!! So much so she took a catalog...also, she offloaded a closet full of clothes from the 80s into my trunk. I imagine if I can bring back stuff from Taipei each time I visit, I myself can get this apartment cleared in like...ten years.

My Good Name 甄

2007-12-29T14:46:00.000+08:00

Oh my god....this is the COOOOOLEST thing ever.

(This is a shrine to the progenitor of my family name, Gin Sun Hall.)

Do you know...that another way to spell my last name in English is ....

GIN?!

From now on, I am no longer drinking pomartinis or beer. Just gin. Only Gin & Tonics for moi! It's my ancestral duty!

AND!

There's AN ENTIRE WORLDWIDE ORGANIZATION built around people with my last name:THE GINFAMILY ASSOCIATION

I feel as if I'm the scion of a wealthy liquor making family....the Coors, Busches, Millers of the world...and me!

(or the by-product and FAS ridden child of an extreeeemely alcoholic family)

But seriously, I find this is pretty wild. Apparently, there are SO FEW Chinese people in the world with my last name, there is an organization that brings us together.

Basically...I'M AN EXTREMELY RARE AND ENDANGERED Chinese person. Us Gins are like the freakin' snow leapords and (haha) Giant Pandas of Chinese people! Unlike the rest of the Chinese people, I guess Gins have been following the one -child rule and flying SOLO for dynasties and dynasties... so my singlehood isn't my fault. I can blame my non-existent personal life on the fact that it has been predestined and ingrained by the fate of my inherited DNA. (phew!)

Oh wait- further online sleuthing has revealed that some jerk emperor wanted to kill off my ancestors. Sigh, sadly 'twas the practice of the time. In ancient China, should you cross the wrong person, not only were you killed, but that same honor was extended throught your entire family. From the eldest white haired Gin to the days old baby Gin, all would be slaughtered because you got fresh with one of the Emperor's 500 plus concubines. Sheesh! So a lot of us changed our last names....but the BRAVE ONES didn't!

Wooohoooo! I'm the descendant of Asian people who historically don't take crap and kick ass! Yeah! Uh...or are extremely illogical, stubborn, lazy and easily massacred...hmm.....

So yea, we could also be the Dodo birds of the Chinese people. (yay?)

There's even a GIN WORLD CONFERENCE that's held every year. And a SHRINE to my family name in San Francisco!

Gin Sun Hall Benevolent Association
747 Clay Street
San Francisco, California 94108
(415) 982-4865

Gin/Yan Family Association
612 1/2 West College Street
Los Angeles, California 90012
(213) 617-1968

Fieeeeeeeld Trip!

lol- Helen

Haute to the Bitter End

2007-12-11T16:55:00.000+08:00

(Note: this post describes an event that occurred about a year ago. Enough time has passed for me to look at this photo and laugh without any sadness and gain a new perspective about that day.)

I came across this urn...how else? um, urn shopping. We were in Taipei and in the process of selecting one for my awesome, amazing, beautiful grandmother who passed away last year.

At the time, my family and I had been operating as husks of people. Our tears, life and soul juices had been sucked away by grief and the stress of settling her affairs. We couldn't even remember when we'd felt anything but sorrow and tiredness. The shop owner was properly somber and solicitous as he showed us his inventory which was housed behind glass cabinets and lit by flourescent lights.

I turned my head, and saw it sitting on a podium outside of the glass.

"Is that...that....what I THINK it is?!?!!?"

Everyone in the room turned to look, and then I heard a

*snicker*

then a

*guffaaaw"

followed by a

(CHORTLE)

and finally....laughter.

My mother turned to the owner of the urn shop and breathlessly asked,"Is it real?"

The owner dropped his act and spoke to her like a normal human being.

In a casual tone he replied,"Oh of course not. Louis Vuitton definately doesn't manufacture urns. This one was a custom job, we handle those too....and sometimes... we get some odd requests."

I took out my digital camera and the owner nodded his head, granting me permission.

I snapped a photo. "WOW!!!...How odd?" I asked.

He beamed. I'd taken his bait.

"We've also done Hello Kitty."

I know it might seem initially cruel or disrespectful to laugh at something like this. But in life one of the things that had really gotten on my grandmother's grits was materialism. She herself was a wealthy enough woman, but had felt that luxury brands were pointless...and the people who loved them were misled fools who paid good money to act as walking billboards . Simply put, had she been in the room with us, she would have gasped and said,"真的嗎？！這是真的嗎？！開完笑！" ("HONESTLY?! IS THIS FOR REAL? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!??!" )

And because of her influence, her children and grandchildren all felt the same...and could finally share in a laugh over something that would have sent my grandmother into bouts of laughter for daaaaaaaays.

In the end, we went with a simple yet elegant pale rose jade. She would have loved it.

( Those Hello Kitty urns were made for adults...had it been for children it would have been less funny and more logical. Well, at least to us.)

Here Comes the Bride All Dressed in...OMG.

2007-10-14T19:22:00.000+08:00

My friend is getting married in Hong Kong, and she's upset because her dad is forcing her and her fiancee to pose in super cheesy forced wedding photos.

"He wants us to do this fake Dr. Zhivago shit like we're in Russia!"

Frankly, I think Emily shouldn't be complaining. And Josh should be kissing the ground and thanking Lord, Heaven and Earth that he's not facing what poor Horlick here is going through....

A HELLO.KITTY.WEDDING.

Hey bridesmaids! Don't feel left out! You too can join in the fun by donning one of these sassy numbers!

(frankly, if I had to be bridesmaid at a Hello Kitty Wedding, I'd just be thankful she wouldn't insist I wear the damn thing AS Hello Kitty.)

On the flip side though...Emily and Josh should know that they can also have a kickass awesome World Of Warcraft wedding. Ellen was kind enough to send me the link and provide me with the wedding photos:

Pretty cute huh? Now these aren't so bad. Compared with the schlocky wedding photos of most Asian wedding album studios, you can kinda see that the couple is really having actual fun with these photos...and they seem mutually INTO W.O.W....

Ok...waaaaay into W.O.W. What the hell is up with THIS picture??!?!?!! Why is the groom an Albino Monkey?!

(ps- I hear there's a rumor for a super hot Wong Kar Wei "In the Mood for Love" inspired wedding album that will compliment the cheese-tastic Russian Cossack version. :)

Taiwanese Females = Universal Healthcare!

2007-04-14T07:26:00.000+08:00

I was on the FAQ section of Taiwan's National Health Insurance Website researching if I was still eligible for their National Health Insurance when I came across this question:

Q6: Are foreigners who marry Taiwanese females eligible for the NHI program?

Answer:
Foreigners with Taiwanese wives and holding Residence Certificates may
enroll in the NHI as indicated below...

AHEM. Does that mean in order to qualify for universal healthcare foreign women would have to marry a Taiwanese woman as well?

AS IF all foreigners were men marrying Taiwanese women. What? Taiwanese husbands don't qualify you for healthcare?

Is this Taiwan's blatant attempt to promote lesbianism among its foreign women populace? (HAWT!)

Muji Apple

2007-03-21T04:45:00.000+08:00

I thought I was over Asia...OVER-OVER-OVER IT! (or as Xienshen would say "OVES IT".)

But then I dropped freakin' 85 bucks at UNIQLO, the H&M of Japan now cozily situated on Broadway. Damn you, Japan for your impeccable if slightly clinical sense of design. And double damn you for pollinating our American shores with your stores. (I rhyme!)Now it gets fever pitch people. Cuz you know WHO ELSE is coming?!

DUM-DAAA-DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUM......

MUJI....bitches.

As usual, Gothamist tells me everything I need to know, specifically about the GIGANTIC NEW MUJI STORE taking up 5,000 sq ft in the NY Times building between 40th and 41st on 8th Avenue.

For those of you who have no idea why I'm so ga-ga over potentially overpriced stationary items you can get at the MOMA Design store, let me share my experience at the MUJI while I was in Taiwan:

More exotic than a Twinkie, hell more flavorful, and grosses out schoolchildren- $1.60 US.

Meet the family...

In case you couldn't guess, MUJI was also ground zero for all the "hip n' artsy" folks at Taipei, aka "Japan-o-phile Wannabes". Do I exclude myself from this bunch? Given the alternative in Taipei...no I don't. Here they are flocking the stationary section. MUJI sells an amazing notebook with pre-made storyboard blocks for your own geek comic book/film making aspirations.

All the labels for their beauty products were either in Japanese or Chinese gibberish. Considering my Chinese reading skills consist mainly of food and business terms, it was hard to decipher "combination-oily" or "undereye lift mask"....so I mainly stayed away from buying their beauty products. It'll be a relief to find out what all this stuff is really for when it hits the States.

I don't know why...but these handkerchiefs just give me such a thrill.

As do the abundance of slipper choices! (Gawd, I'm so freakin' Asian...)

It all comes down to basics...in apparel.

Why do I love MUJI so? Just look at this display. The logo is microscopic. It's not even on the packaging. But through smart marketing, strong design, and unwavering self-identity they're able to scream out "THIS IS ME" without telling, but just showing you.

Is it any wonder I ran to MUJI while living in neon-lit-status-conscious-Louis-Vuitton-totin' Taipei? No logo and minimalism was a refreshing oasis.

I think NYC can definately benefit from a MUJI oasis in Herald Square. ;-)

Not in Asia Anymore

2007-03-07T03:22:00.000+08:00

I just sent this photo to a friend so he could see the current climate of pop culture I've landed myself into by coming home. Bald Britney on ATTACK!!!!

Hmmmm...being back for over two weeks now is a bit weird. I feel like a time traveler or Rip Van Winkle. It doesn't feel like I've been gone for over two years, and not much looks different...yet as I walk around the city, talk to my friends, and look at what's around I feel an undefinable difference.

The best way to describe it is..kinda like walking into your room, and getting the feeling like someone's been in there and moved your stuff around while you weren't looking. But you can't pinpoint what.

Helen is Drawing

2007-03-02T14:40:00.000+08:00

So I'm not technically Hiding in Asia any more, since my butt is back in New Jersey now.
I'll still update this blog, because I have a backlog of insanity I encountered in Asia yet to be revealed.

In the meantime, I am fighting artistic and mental rot- by drawing, doing art, freelancing on projects etc... if you are curious as to what I'm up to these days, you can go to my new blog, Helen is Drawing.

Oh yeah, and yell at me if I don't update this blog often, cuz it means I'm watching Oprah and waking up past noon and NOT drawing. ;-)

Escape From Taiwan-Part Deux

2007-02-21T05:47:00.000+08:00

Well...it took 4 months and 4 attempts since I got this from my friend Michael ....but HOT DAMN FINALLY it's happening!!!!!! (about 4 hours and 55 minutes from now, but really, whose counting?)

What follows "Escape from Taiwan" and "Hiding in Asia"?
- "Bored in New Jersey?"
- "Confused in My 20's?"
- "Watching TV in My Living Room?"

Oh lordy, I hope not. ;-)

"If you believe it, there will be, but if you don't, there will not."

2007-02-19T15:55:00.000+08:00

There are many ghosts in Chinese culture. Ghosts have been believed and worshipped by Chinese for a few thousand years. Even Confucius said, "Respecting ghosts and gods, but away from them."

Many people believe ghosts, yet many don't. Chinese people often say, "If you believe it, there will be, but if you don't, there will not." Here is a story about this saying.

Zhuxi was a famous scholar in the Song Dynasty (960 - 1279). He believed there were no ghosts in the world, so he decided to write an essay "No Ghost." It was said he was a great sage so even ghosts were afraid of him. If he said no ghosts, ghosts could no longer exist. When ghosts knew he was writing the essay, they gathered together to discuss this and decided to send the smartest ghost to entreat him abandon the writing.

So one night, the smartest ghost appeared at Zhuxi's desk and kowtowed towards Zhuxi repeatedly.

The ghost told Zhuxi to abandon the writing to save them. Zhuxi laughed and said:

"You, the ghosts have been worshipped in the human world for so long. Isn't the time for you go away all together."

"We also have good and bad ghosts..."

"Well, I heard you can do anything. Can you move me to the outside?"
"Certainly, Sir."

Zhuxi was moved to the outside instantly without even noticing it. Zhuxi was astonished by the ability of ghosts, but was unwilling to say it. Then he asked again,

"You can move my body. Can you move my heart?"

"That is impossible to do, Sir.But we can move things or a person's body so that it proves we exist. We exist in illusion. If you believe it, there will be, but if you don't, there will not.
Can you say something like that in your essay, Sir?"

Zhuxi felt the words did have some merits so he promised the ghost he would do that. The ghost left happily. Therefore, Zhuxi wrote the words, under the title of the no ghost essay, "If you believe it, there will be, but if you don't, there will not."

from this link

More on Zhu Xi , I dig his principles. Go Mencius!

3 Days To Relaunch!

2007-02-19T05:46:00.000+08:00

In three days, I will stage my 4th attempt to bust out of this island cage and get HOME. Wish me luck?

Not to say this is an entirely joyful escape attempt. I'm not traipsing out of here all la dee dah without wishing....

-my grandma was still around.
-my mom wasn't living by herself.
-I wasn't leaving some GREAT friends behind.
-I knew WHEN I can see these friends again.

'ya dig? Shite- saying goodbye can be hard and it isn't something I find easier and easier as I get older like some people claim. But I s'pose it's a necessary evil if I plan on having the most awesome life EVER. And sadly, for that to happen, I think I gotta:
-get home
-think
-and relaunch.

Speaking of having the most awesome life EVER...I'm not quite as sure about how to go about that. All I know is that it needs to not be me coming back all "Blast-From-The-Past-2004" and re-picking up the same routine because it's comfortable or safe. I just hope I don't pansy out though when I get over my jetlag and reassess my sitch-oo-ation. (yea, say it like THAT!)

Oh yea, and if ya think that ditching your friends, family, and a cushy job to move halfway across the world with gaping, looming, boundless, and vast uncertainty waiting for you is easier the second time?

Hmm....no, but at least you know you're not afraid to do it. And will probably do it until you don't need to anymore. :)

ps- oh, and to dispel any concerns- asides from these thoughts I'm fuckin' ECSTATIC about coming home. :)

My Ahma

2007-02-16T00:42:00.000+08:00

I will miss many things about my Ah-ma. The cute way she shuffled, how hysterically she could laugh without stopping, her voice getting higher and higher, her selflessness, her disdain for vanity, and how much she much she cared for my happiness…all those things.

But the thing I will probably miss most is the sound of her voice, and with it all the things she had to say. My Ah-ma was a most opinionated lady, and she showed no hesitation expressing her ideas and opinions. She was spunky, sassy and strong.

She may have been the smallest in our family, but her presence dwarfed all others when you were in a room with her. Next to my tall, quiet and patient grandfather, Ah-ma commanded the center of all attention, and because of that she was the center of our family. Growing up, my association with my Ah-ma has always been hearing conversations about family, politics, culture, and gossip, with Ah-ma’s voice rising above everyone else’s. Her passion was always the most alive in our group.

I am lucky to have had such a strong and passionate woman for an Ah-ma. Her influence is apparent by looking at all the women in our family. My mother and my aunt are certainly strong and intelligent women who take after their mother. As the eldest in my generation, I follow their example too, and I only hope to have children one day who are just as alive as my Ah-ma was.

Hug and a Kiss

2007-02-07T05:04:00.000+08:00

Hong Kong: The Soundtrack

2007-01-22T03:53:00.000+08:00

The one day Emily and I leave the camera at home and give ourselves a break from filming the documentary, we encounter the liveliest and most musical day in Hong Kong so far.

We had my tiny point and shoot though at least.

Causeway Bay had an outdoor "Racial Harmoney Day" series of performances, one of them featuring these amazing guys. Anyone up for taking a Bollywood dance class with me?
Look at those moves!!!!!

I caught these guys in the spur of the moment, wish I'd filmed them longer. (and given them casholah)

A Japanese Store in Hong Kong Sells Slippers

2007-01-20T03:48:00.000+08:00

I innocently ventured into the Japanese Home Centre shop only to have all my senses ASSAULTED by this commercial playing as part of a display for household slippers.

Got to remember to break out those moves next time I raid the dance floor.

360 Degrees in Kowloon

2007-01-13T02:17:00.000+08:00

Yay, there's a video feature on my new camera. I'll try to do more of these as I jump around this world. I'll try to mix up different kinds of locations as I go.

Tingdoc.blogspot.com

2007-01-09T03:16:00.000+08:00

My chum , Emily Ting and I are shooting a documentary in Hong Kong,Frankfurt and London. It's going to kickass.

See us kickass. Go to http://tingdoc.blogspot.com.

Might not blog here as often as I'd like. It's busy being Emily's camera bitch, personal assistant and kept woman. Heeee!

Dirty Toast

2006-12-29T00:48:00.000+08:00

I found him in a Japanese toy store...what a present for the kiddies!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

2006-12-25T18:00:00.000+08:00

Hope everyone has a Happy Holiday. :)

(I took some liberties with the card...no snow in Taiwan.)

Buy This Shirt If You Can't Speak Chinese

2006-12-25T17:07:00.000+08:00

Translation: "Chinese is not my native language."

Looking through the Cat and Girl Site and found THE MUST HAVE T-SHIRT.

Dunno if this ships to Asia...but I think any non local here needs this on their back...like yesterday. Especially you non local Asiatics. Think of all the confusion this saves!

Adventures in Parenting-Taiwan Edition

2006-12-22T00:40:00.000+08:00

It was cold on the bus, so this mommy took some charming precautions for her little daughter. So cute.

Eating shabbu with Jonny and Rich...and we saw this father carrying his baby son around like a football. We kept waiting for him to bash his head on a door, a wall, another diner...

Sadly, Your Execution Was Flawed....

2006-12-07T02:08:00.000+08:00

I was browsing through my favorite NYC blog Gothamist.com when I happened to chance upon this arresting image and this post.
I showed this to my coworker who was quick to point out this is ALL BenQ CHINA and not BenQ TAIWAN:

"Look! Those are simplified Chinese characters! Definately the work of those Commie mainland bastards!"
(okay, he didn't really say that last part, but I kind of wish he had.)

After choking on my gingerbread latte (what,you think I drink green tea here?) and wiping away all my "OMG-WTC-WTF?!" thoughts, I started processing what the ad actually meant. Ok...the tag line reads something like "Even if the world ends, I can still believe in the music."

Hmmm...that's a nice thought. It's quite sweet. But after 9/11 happened, the only thing running through my mind was"ohmygodohmygodohmygod"and not "oh wow, I better download some inspirational songs to my mp3 collection so I can get through all the tragedy".

I think if this dude was walking around the ruins like that, he'd be remiss not to match those awesome mp3 players with a SARS mask and biohazard suit. And he better not be listening to those heathen Dixie Chicks. Right Brothers all the waaaaaay!

But you gotta wonder, in Asia...why use an American tragedy like 9/11 to sell your frivolous gadgets? For example-there was a tsunami in Thailand..heck, that sounds almost like Taiwan, and Taiwan is owned by China, so def way more accurate yea?!
And since this is targeted to Chinese people, why not go with the Hiroshima bomb?
Another dig at those oppressive Japs while you're at it!

But wait...looks like Accordian Guy already has a suggestion:

Here's an apology from BenQ after they finally got the prescience of mind to PULL the ad:

I DO applaud BenQ for doing what's right after pissing off the most powerful country in the world. Some American companies may actually benefit from their example. I'm actually really curious about what this "process" they've put in place actually is. Because I think for any large company that wants to go multi-national, they have to, no, NEED TO, have a process that makes sure meanings and intents don't get, ha-ha, lost in translation.

I sympathize partially with BenQ (see, I can be very Asian too). In Asia, people aren't just inclined to be as racial as we oversensitive Americans. A native Chinese person will NEVER think to say, "So, I saw this black-uh,dark-um-afro-no,AFRICAN-AMERICAN guy..." There's no white guilt in Asia-nor is there as big of a fear of being seen as a racist if um...everyone is usually the same race. In NYC for example, race is something we live and breath because we need it to survive (lest you become shunned by peers or worse BEAT / arrested for being such an idiot)...in Asia, it's something that may have to be learned...and best learned through experience.

BenQ's feelin' that now.

I Want to Run With Scissors in Taipei

2006-11-26T19:24:00.000+08:00

First of all...I know that what may be okay in one culture may not be alright in another.

Therefore, it isn't fair of me to judge Taiwanese culture so harshly sometimes based on my completely western objective.

BUT.

Sometimes, I feel like I see something so heinous...so wrong....so completely irreprehensible and egregious....I would feel remiss NOT to say or do something.

Behold:

MATCHING RAT TAILS!

These boys were obviously brothers, ages around 10 and 6...this wouldn't have been SO BAD if they were adults, and fully in control of their fates and destinies..but damn. They're just children....unwitting trusting innocent little children.

And as if that wasn't enough of a blister upon my eye, 3 minutes later:

I really hope for her sake that's just a nasty hair extension she forgot to take out.

Makes me inspired to revive Taipei Mullets again.

PowerPoint of the WORLD

2006-11-21T11:41:00.000+08:00

Passed by this apartment building advertising 1-2 bedroom apartments...and took a closer look at its name.

You can imagine somewhere Bill Gates would be seething. Heee, and that amuses me.

Anyway, this only enhances my opinion that the Taiwanese have a knack for taking what's trendy and misinterpreting it again...and again. I wonder what the next complex will be called?

Messenger of Asia?
Browser Home?
Web 2.0 World?

Cold in Asia

2006-11-17T04:04:00.000+08:00

FINALLY!

How Globalization Works To Help Waste More Time at Work

2006-11-17T00:21:00.000+08:00

Honestly, with the advent of Web 2.0 culture, the world has truly become smaller and flatter. How else to explain this orgy of awesomeness that entered my company inbox on an otherwise dull lifeless day in my cubicle? It's not every day that you see Michael Jackson's Thriller interpreted by Bollywood and paired with naughty Chinese subtitles.

I actually didn't notice the subtitles first. I was laughing hard enough already...until I realized the words "Motherfucker" in Chinese were scrolling across the screen...WTF?!

Apparently someone in Taiwan had the prescence of mind to UP the haha factor by putting in subtitles that SOUNDED like the Hindi lyrics...but had entirely different meanings.

My coworkers helped translate the lyrics into English (you know...promoting cross cultural language exchange on a whole new level) ...so my non-Chinese reading friends can appreciate Indian Michael on another level.

My Chinese readin' friends...help me out here if you think I missed out on an opportune screen grab.

The catchy chorus sets the tone for the rest of the piece...as you'll soon see.

*Gundam is a Japanese anime hero. He's usually not so lascivious as these lyrics suggest.

So this Cha-li-cha I take it is the life of the party?

Our Chinese subtitler seems torn here. Should he go with "Ice Cold "(bing liang) or betelnut (binlang)? Betelnuts would have seemed appropriate as they basically get you high. So why pair sex with iced tea instead of drugs in the end? Let's look at the following lyric, shall we?

*Touchy-Touchy Tea in Taiwan means a well known brothel/teahouse.
Ahhhhhh....got it.

Daaaaamn. This is starting to go from funny to scary.

REALLY EFFIN' SCARY.

Couture SARS Masks of Asia

2006-11-10T02:31:00.000+08:00

I LOVE Samira Boon's Funny Animal Face Masks. Very clever work. :)

Back home, we make fun of Michael Jackson for wearing his face masks, but here in Asia it's really common for everyone to rock it like Michael and cover up half their faces. Heck-even I'M wearing a face mask every morning now as I battle through my seasonal asthma. And thanks to the selection here, I get to color coordinate them with my sassy outfits:

The practice serves two purposes-to keep shit OUT and to keep shit IN. There's so much pollen, dust, bus/car/scooter exhaust, stinky tofu, questionable sewage trapped in our city basin-it would be an invitation for lung disease not to tie one on before leaving the house sometimes. Also, if you've got a perpetual cough that won't quit- it's a sign of courtesy to muffle your face with the mask, and keep your nasty germs to yourself.

One last look at the newest mask I bought when I went to the Rao He Nightmarket with Temsy and Chih:

My living, breathing, blogface. :)

Ni Jiang Hua Hao Qi Guai!*

2006-11-09T23:46:00.000+08:00

* Your speech is weird!

I get this, oh, about once a week at least. The next question that always follows is: "Ni shi na li ren?" Where are you from?

I think I should just xerox this and print it out on cards for them:

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Northeast Judging by how you talk you are probably from north Jersey, New York City, Connecticut or Rhode Island. Chances are, if you are from New York City (and not those other places) people would probably be able to tell if they actually heard you speak.
Philadelphia
The Inland North
The Midland
Boston
The West
The South
North Central
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

The Universal Language of Video Games

2006-11-08T02:17:00.000+08:00

What was I doing before we got AOL in our house in 1994?

Wasting my childhood playing Street Fighter II. :)

I still remember playing Street Fighter II for 5 hours straight one rainy day and coming THISCLOSE to kickin' Bison's ass as Chung Li. Girl Power indeed. I think I got a C on some pre-Algebra test cuz I should've been studying the Commutative Theory or some shite like that instead. Whooooooops.

And I LOVE how my Taiwanese friends here did the SAME thing as well.

Here's evidence...from a Taiwanese talk show.

(skip to 1:13 for the good part...my VERY LOOSE translation below)

Girl: Today our topic is retro video games. blah blah blah..hey, which videogame held the most meaning and left the deepest impression on your everlasting soul? And no I'm so not rehearsing this out of my ass.

Dude: Hell yea chica, everyone knows that the most badass game from heavan to hell was that hella fast fighting game like the smooth wind.

Girl: STREET FIGHTER!

Dude: Hadouken!!! I remember big streets and little alleys had that shit up displayed and everyone would get their POSE on.They'd sit, with their right hand like THIS and their left hand like THAT in order to achieve HADOUKEN!

Girl: To achieve Hadouken..

Dude: ...to get Hadouken you gotta JAB AT IT! POKE! But the best was the T.K.HADOUKEN JABBING METHOD.

Girl: WAZ DAT?!?!

Dude: A.k.a...the TAI-KE(hillbilly Taiwanese) HADOUKEN JABBING METHOD! Yo yo yo check it. I got my right controller, holding it like a highballer..CHEERS..and then with my left hand on the other controller...like this..HADOU-HADOU-HADOOOOUUUUKEEEEEN!!!!!!!

Dude you had to be a master at this with no life otherwise to attain that level of mastery. But the best was when you'd see grade schoolers act this shizz out in real life.

Like, you'd see two kids on the street...

and I needn't have to translate the rest now, eh?

OK. One last line after everything has been said and done:

Girl: One more time, can you do the HAROUKEN CHA-CHA?

Dude: HAROUKEN! HAROUKEN!

Happy Birthday

2006-11-07T17:01:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa.

:)

Animation+Music+Nerdy Computer Wizardry=THE SPERM WHALE

2006-11-06T10:31:00.000+08:00

This band is a labor of love from my friends Jason and Sandra.

I remember sitting inside Alt Cafe in Alphabet City, knitting a red alpaca wool scarf for my cousin while my friend Jason was slavering over a VJing program that linked musical beats/notes to animated graphics. That was almost two years ago...and here are the fruits of his labor! (my red scarf is most likely underused and under my cousin's bed by now)

The Villainous Cast of THE SPERM WHALE:
Tom Shad - bass, guitar, chapman stick, vocals, keys, ..
Jase Weston - fx, guitar, drum programming,, ..
Kris Weston - additional fx.
Mike Pride - drums
Iain Melvin - programming
Sandra Cordero - sprites

Video by: Dennis Ordonez

And of course, they have a MySpace Page. :)

My (Former) Studio In Taipei

2006-11-06T03:14:00.000+08:00

In preparations of Operation Jettison Out and in the interest of saving money, I have moved back in with my mom and grandma in Taipei.

I made this a couple of months back...so please don't think I'm narrating this while suffering from the delusion that I still live there or something. :)

Modern Toilet in Taipei

2006-11-04T17:38:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I went to Modern Toilet with some friends.

That's right bitches. Modern Toilet is a RESTAURANT.

For the disbelieving..here's their website.

Judging from how hard it was to get a (hee hee) toilet seat, the stigma of poo and pee hasn't done much to
deter hungry and thirsty patrons in the Shilin area.

It's (understandably) more popular with the younger, high school crowd. I can't imagine my mom
scooping chocolate ice cream out of squat toilet.

The seats are made out of real toilets...with designer lids.

And YES, they do open.

There's some tasteful art that they exhibit throughout the restaurant.

All three floors of the restaurant. Notice the golden turds. You can buy your own for $6 USD each.

Oh yea, I forgot. We came here to EAT.....this is my friend's curry toilet bowl. TASTY!

The turd holds extra surprises.

This was my dish...Beef Hotpot in a Toilet Bowl. I don't know how I feel about those sauce stains on the rim.

Our ice cream arrives in Taiwanese Squat Toilet Bowls. My friend was pissed that they didn't serve
it in the traditional "Japanese Poo Swirl".

1,2,3...Say, "POOOOOOOOOO!"

"POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Closing Thoughts on Modern Toilet: Modern Toilet is obviously one of those theme restaurants
where the emphasis on going isn't on its fine cuisine. You're basically there just to take pictures and
act like a retard with your friends. (which I did EASILY) But as I am a serious eater, I DID have some
suggestions for the place...namely that they work on expanding and improving their beverages some
more. The iced teas were way overbrewed to the point that noone finished them, and I was extremely
disappointed to see they were served in traditional glasses. Come on, if you've gone so far...why not
the way and over the top and give me my drink in a champagne flute that looks like a urinal, or if
that's too gross, at least a kitchen sink? And I KNOW my friend Ellen was thinking, "WHERE'S THE
ALCOHOL?!??!" Hahahahaha...but otherwise no major complaints. The place was clean, the staff was
patient, the food was acceptable, the drinks sucked...but my friends and I couldn't stop laughing the whole
night. :)

MAKE Halloween

2006-11-01T18:06:00.000+08:00

From THIS:

To THIS!!!!:

I'm still geeking out that we got a place on the MAKE Magazine BLOG!

Making a Shrimp Sushi Hat for Halloween

2006-10-29T19:44:00.001+08:00

The Inspiration:

The Sushi Express Mascots

The Materials:

Pillow With Stuffin' Taken Out

The Journey:

Using a brow pencil I draw the outline for half of the shrimp body.

Cut shape out and gluestick it to the cloth again. Hey, I didn't have any pins.

Draw an outline for the body again, sew over the line, and cut out the shape.

Invert body and fill with stuffing...sew it to swim cap base.

Pre fitting-to evaluate if the stuffing ratio is just right when it's sitting on my head.

Sewing the middle indentationM

I tried sewing this shrimp on with the cap off, but it really cut down on its elasticity and it wouldn't fit over my damn big head. So now I'm sewing this shrimp on VERY CAREFULLY with the cap ON.

Like I said to my friends. It looks like I'm wearing a damn maxi pad on my head.

So it's time to break out the shrimp tail (pink foam sheet) and poster paint!

When the paint finishes drying, I sew the tail on and now we have a whole shrimp.

Because I chose a blue swimp cap, I sew the "rice" portion on underneath the shrimp. In addition I cut a ribbon of white cloth to wrap it around my head where the rice meets my hairline.

The End Result:

With an elastic band tied underneath for safety, and some scary Joker makeup on, I am officially SHRIMP SUSHI for Halloween.

Coming Soon!

2006-10-19T16:38:00.000+08:00

Mr. Michael "Photoshop Perfectionist" Chang asked me what the future of "Hiding in Asia" would be after I left Taiwan. What would I call the blog then?

This is his suggestion.

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!

Halloween in Taipei 2005

2006-10-18T03:16:00.000+08:00

Halloween is not just trick or treat, fun and games. It's also an opportunity for all of us to change our external appearances for the sake of affecting others. In this clip, Tom puts the camera on Danny as he gets DEEP into the ugly side of this holiday.

Halloween Already?!?!!?!

2006-10-18T01:16:00.000+08:00

I was recently in one of those mega all purpose Japanese Chain stores the other day and was snapping pictures left and right. This is the same tactic I deploy at nightmarkets and souvenir shops or whenever I'm in a place that sells "stuff-you-don't-need-but-think-you-do-until-you've-paid-for-it."

After doing a photoseries on some kitschy ashtrays and miniature fast food keychains, I ventured across THIS O GLORIOUS SITE:

Oh crapcrapcrapcrapcrappitycrapCRAP is it Halloween ALREADY?!?

Every year, I place a high expectation on what my costume will be. Usually by this time I have an idea of what my costume is and I would have had all the basic materials already. But now I've realized I only have TWO DAMN WEEKS to get my shite together.

Oh yea, and to make it harder on myself- I refuse to do store bought costumes.

Exhibit Number 1:

My ...err..I didn't know a Triceratops was so....endowed with...such limbs.

Exhibit Number 2:

By the way...this costume is aptly called "The CHINAMAN" and yes, that IS a white guy wearing it. Two Wongs Make a White, Anyone?

(Note: Both costumes were sold in Taipei.)

Anyway, I've got two weeks, and in those two weeks, I'm going to need something to top LAST YEAR'S HALLOWEEN:

-which was triggered the MOMENT my friend Danny tried on a children's size 12 Tiger costume in the rental shop:

So plainly put, yea, HOW THE HECK DO I TOP THIS ?!?!

I'm a bit flummoxed right now. :(

When Things Go Wrong at the Candy Shoppe

2006-10-06T18:57:00.000+08:00

So there's a big store in my neighborhood that sells stationary, plush toys, hair accessories, jewelry and candy. Simply put, the place just peddles CUTE.

See what I mean?

But amidst all this G-rated fare, I soon ventured upon some pretty ridiculous items.

Is it wrong that my thoughts immediately go to "heroin" instead of "vaccine shot"?

And then things got weirder in the chocolate aisle:

"Oh Honey, you bought me....porn...oh wait! No, it's...CHOCOLATE...porn."
Apparently, the headlines read something like um, "How to Mature Faster into a Man" and something about "extending the hours of..." etc...Apparently, you can open up the "magazine" to discover chocolates in the shapes of some sexy bodyparts.
I made the mistake of asking my mom to translate the cover. "Well, it's not nice things, Helen. Are you sure you want to know?"

BUT THE CROWNING GLORY WAS WHEN I DISCOVERED THESE!

MARSHMALLOW SANITARY PADS! I finally found them.

I'll be buying these babies in bulk before I come home. You know..for presents. Any takers?

2006-09-17T12:30:00.000+08:00

Weatherman Scared of Roach

I know this isn't in Asia, but I thought this merited a special entry in my blog since this is an, um, almost daily occurence for me in Taipei. And of course, like this guy, I start screaming and crying like a little sissy girl.

Trivia: The Taiwanese nickname for cockroach is Xiao Chiang aka "Little Strong", I guess since those lil' fuckers never die!!!

Jobs Aren't the Only Thing You Can Outsource

2006-09-11T14:33:00.000+08:00

I've been sneezing,wheezing and gagging up a storm in Taipei recently, due to what my doctor calls "allergy affected asthma".

In my bid to research just how bad the pollution is here (oh and believe me I have my own suspicions) I found this article that says:
a) Taiwan's air pollution was MUCH worse a decade ago.
b) But that doesn't mean Taiwan really got rid of the pollution.

Read up on what I'm talking about here:
Salon Article: How the World Works

Cultural Exchange at the Office

2006-08-27T13:19:00.000+08:00

In Asia, it's really important to learn English in order to get ahead in business. If anyone has any questions, I try to help out as much as I can. Here, I teach Scott all the different ways you can say "shit".

(in Chinese it's "Shi", 3rd tone)

2006-08-21T12:44:00.000+08:00

Humor in Japan....

one word...HUMILIATION!!!!!!
So this is what happens in countries that aren't as litigious as the United States.

Humor in Asia

2006-08-19T15:15:00.000+08:00

Ok...I know I bitch a lot about the lack of "quarity" comedy in Asian culture. But these 2 Chinese Boys have served me up a Louis Vuitton Filet Mignon in Caviar because DAMN I am laughing so hard over it.

The 2 Chinese Boys are the funniest people I've seen come from Asia while I've been here. Their brand of humor is perfect for me, because it doesn't depend on wordplay and obscure cultural references which I think is keeping me from appreciating the Taiwanese Comedy scene. Basically, I'm not Chinese Smart enough, I guess.

It may not be obvious, but one of the hardest things about moving to a new country isn't just getting over the language barrier. There's a HUMOR barrier as well-and it has me more stressed out than the language barrier.

After I moved to Taiwan, I realized how much of my life revolved around humor. To make friends, to do my job, to de-stress, to get inspiration from for my own art projects, make good first impressions,,,errrr to FUNCTION, you get the idea.

I think this was especially brought out after I got my most recent work evaluation. My worst scores were in Communication AND teamwork and that really bummed me out because those used to be the traits that everyone praised me for. Frankly this left me demoralized for weeks and it really messed with my self-concept.

As I was philosophizing over it, I realized that one good reason for the disconnect may be because I am used to depending on humor a lot in dealing with people at work. When we communicate with people, especially while managing them, the underlying goal is to feel comfortable with them and make the other person feel comfortable too. And humor is my way. If someone doesn't make a deadline, I'm not apt to pour them a cup of tea and hold their hand asking for an explanation...I'm more likely to make a short joke with the underlying message, "Yea, just get it to me fast then or I kick your ass." Channeling a caricature of Meryl in Devil Wears Prada may be the recipe to success in NYC, but here, it just gets lost on people, and people would just assume I'm a straight up bitch rather than realize I was making the fool out of myself to make the other person feel better while dishing an awkward message.

Sadly, after almost two years here I have accepted that: a) I don't find a lot of Chinese comedy funny and b) People in Taiwan don't understand me when I try to be funny. After almost two years of living here, and having people not get your jokes a lot and not laughing as much as I used to, it really wears you down. Imagine, being seen as that person who can't tell a simple joke-it must be like having a conversation with a robot. Or a serial killer.

People assume that being Chinese American in Taiwan, my biggest identity crisis would be "Am I Chinese? Or Am I American?" but frankly, it isn't. Instead it's "Am I funny? Or am I just a dork?"

Our Former Family Home in Taipei-A Year Later

2006-08-14T17:21:00.000+08:00

I moved to Taipei almost two years ago to help my mother and grandmother move out of the Japanese style home they've lived in for forty years. In Taiwan, our home was on government property, doled out to us from the government because of my grandfather's service in the Army. Now they were reclaiming the land (valued at 3 million American dollars!!!) and putting us in a brand new apartment building for displaced officers and their families. (not worth 3 million dollars) There was an effort to preserve the house which was about 100 years old, and a former home to an adviser to Chiang Kai Shek and the grandfather of the first Chinese American Astronaut...but we lost out and this poor place will be razed. Most like to make way for a character-less shell of an apartment building. Or a parking garage.

I took these photographs a year after we moved out. I was moving to an apartment near my family's new place, and we still had some old furniture left inside that we could use. A private from the Taiwanese Army let us in. Here you can see the extent of the termite damage to the outside structure.

This used to be a very grand living room. The tents are there because the roof was leaking, and towards the end when we knew we had to move out we just didn't bother fixing the roof. (plus, all the roofers who knew how to fix these old houses were all too old to climb up them anymore) That's why we resorted to using these tarps the last few months were were there.

Not even a week after we moved out, some thieves broke into the house and stole/cut out a priceless wood carving that was used as a room divider. It was a horrible blow to us, because at the time were still holding out hope that the house would be chosen for restoration by the historical society. The carving was to have been a major centerpiece for our argument for its value and beauty. On top of that, they ripped down picture frames and stole very valuable art work that we had hidden behind the cheaper art, and rummaged through all the leftover drawers. We felt horrible, but then the police came and MADE IT WORSE by doing a half ass job of investigating the crime...and then looking around our home for stuff that they could "take off our hands"! They never caught the thieves, but they left with our garden decorations.

This is the remaining wood carving that the thieves tried to take with them, but then thought better of later when they realized that by sawing it off, they risked causing the entire roof to crash in on them. Hmmph. It'd serve them right if it did.

Our old kitchen. That is a remnant of the painting that used to decorate our front entrance. I guess the thieves ripped it up to wrap the valuables they stole from our house on this table.

This is the upstairs apartment. My grandfather had a cousin, one of the few relatives he had who was able to leave China and come to Taiwan with him and my grandma. I called him "Uncle" and he used to take me to the park and tease me when I was a kid. He never married, but lived with us instead, maintaining his own bachelor existence upstairs in the teenage bedroom of my Uncles Thomas and James, who had since moved out. He passed away when I was in America, but because I never saw him when he was sick, his death still doesn't seem that real to me.

This used to be one of Uncle's old desks. After his death, I adopted his old room as my "area" because it was the quietest place in the house. Sometimes I would find little notes he'd leave for himself there, such as a poem reminding him not to lose his temper, and how to maintain a sense of happiness about his daily life.

Obviously WE didn't leave the library like this. Apparently, more burglars came in after the first round and they ransacked through all of my grandfather's old books. We were in the process of donating them, and it just made me so upset. These books are mainly business textbooks from my grandfather's MBA courses at Indiana University from the 1960s...Uncle James' Computer Science Textbooks from the 70s....and Uncle Thomas' old coin collection books. Later, I found and kept a book on Astral Projection from the collection. My mom found a holographic poster of Jesus Christ's Crucifixion scene. It's awesome. You shift it to the left and right, and it looks like Jesus is swaying on that cross. We have no idea where it came from. Mom credits the robbers for unearthing it.

I found a dead cat in the study. It had presumably crawled in through the termite ridden wall just to find a quiet place and die. Animals, especially cats and dogs have been known to do that, they like to go to dark,quiet places and leave the world alone with their dignities intact. The poor thing was just a pile of dust and orange fur when I found it. I wondered if it was Morris, the orange stray that I used to help feed 7 years ago. Him and his sisters were born in our backyard and adopted it as their home on and off while we lived in the house. 7 years would be a good life for a wild cat. The average lifespan for strays in Taipei is usually 5 years.

This was the room I shared with my mom when I first arrived in Taipei from Dec 2004 to March 2005. I wound up taking the wooden desk to my new apartment. It's about 50 years old, and used to belong to my grandfather. Later, as I was cleaning it, I removed the shelving paper in the drawers, and found a naked pinup chick from the 70s on the other side!!!! Luckily, it wasn't grandpa's. It was....mom's? They came from the contraband porno calendars she seized as a customs agent at the airport where she worked right out of college. She thought the paper was "good quality" ...and it was, lasting like 30 years.

When my grandpa was sick, we put his bed near those windows so he could get fresh air and sunlight. He really enjoyed looking out at our garden.

My grandfather used to keep this Japanese styled garden IMMACULATE, but since we moved, this place has taken on a wild look. Flowers growing on the floor, the vines out of place...it's very Secret Garden.

Toilet still works! The bathroom and my mom and aunt's childhood rooms were concrete additions later added to the house during the 60s. Observe the funky tiles.

Leaving to go back out the front yard. The robbers thought about stealing that (empty) wooden padlocked crate and that old purse of my grandma's, but then changed their minds, leaving them by the door.

This fellow hung on our front door. He looks like Aslan from Narnia. If I have a chance, I'm going to rescue him before they knock the house down.

Taipei One of the Top 10 Rudest Cities

2006-07-22T19:07:00.000+08:00

People are sometimes skeptical when I bitch about how rude people in Taipei are.

"Yea, Helen...like New Yorkers are so nice to begin with."

And I always weakly defend myself by saying, " Well,I just felt that in NYC...people were actually more considerate."

WELL....THIS PROVES IT SUCKAHS!!!!!!

Let's Review:

NYC: Most Polite City.
Taipei:　7 out of the top 10 RUDEST CITIES IN THE WORLD.

This definately makes me feel better about getting whacked in the face with a sun parasol TWICE in the same day, and getting no apologies.

Albeit...this was a study based on Western standards for politeness....blah blah blah...and I think that in NYC, if you poked someone in the eye with your umbrella, you wouldn't be apologizing because it was "the way [you] were brought up". Nuh UH...if you were a real New Yorker you'd be doing it out of fear that your victim would say something like, "Excuse YOU..BITCH! FUCKIN' watch where you're going..stupid whore."

But yea, come on. If you drop a stack of papers on the ground and noone bothers to help you out...that's fuckin'cold.

Ha ha...this really shouldn't be news though. I mean, how could we have forgotten this???

The Not Gay, but MAGICAL Male Hair Sytlists of Love

2006-05-30T21:53:00.000+08:00

Some more promotional pictures for those manly boys in The Magicians of Love.

The shoes! The hair! The man jewelry! THE EYELINER!

Simply HAWT.

The Magicians of Love

2006-05-30T21:29:00.000+08:00

The Magicians of Love, whose ratings have proved it to be a hugely popular TV series in Taiwan, stars the handsome boys from Taiwanese boy group 183 Club, plus beautiful young actress Joanne Tseng. Three top hairstylists in town, Artz (Matt Lin, aka Ming Dao), Riche (Sam Wang), and Fernando (Jacky Chu) opens the "Neo-Image Hair Salon" just opposite to the traditional barber's shop run by Little Bei (Joanne Tseng) and her father. The new "Neo-Image Hair Salon" is also a big blow to Ming (Ehlo Huang), apprentice of Little Bei's father who always claims to be Little Bei's boyfriend. Worse still, Little Bei becomes attracted to the charismatic top hairstylists, especially Artz and Riche. What will become the future of Little Bei's shop - and her love life - in this highly entertaining romantic TV drama?

UM. I had a WHOLE snarky blog entry about this...but I think the official series synopsis pretty much speaks for itself.

:)

p.s.-OK, I can't help but say this though. A WHOLE ENTIRE series about heterosexual male hairdressers in MULLETS fighting over a girl with a FEMULLET?!?!?!?!

p.p.s.- oh, and if this show couldn't get any gayer....a more accurate Chinese translation for the series is The MAGICAL Hairdressers of Love .

I Am Alive

2006-05-20T04:38:00.001+08:00

Man...you live a month without internet and it gets harder and harder to find time to contact your friends from home! BOOOOOOOOO Helen!!!!

I love you all still, and for the last friggin' time I AM NOT GOING NATIVE AND STAYING IN ASIA FOREVER!!!

Quick catch ups and shout outs to the following (I am such a lazy cow, I know):

Elyse- heeding your call I am blogging my ass off right now for you instead of sleeping. (Bitch-u better miss me now!)

Latrisse- it's so good to hear from you again. Next time I see you it'll be as if we saw each other just the week before. :)

Emily- your hospitality makes me weep from gratitude. Hong Kong Disneyland is SO ON!

Tariq-just got your mail...dude! Great to hear from you. We miss you here in this land of crazies.

JaSandra- I keep seeing whale and piscine inspired paraphernalia I want to buy you guys! I want to see pictures of the most recent performance, and thanks for the rundown of NYC 2006!

Lulu- I GOT YOUR PACKAGE! OMFG!!! DOMINOE MAGAZINE IS THE BEST BEST BEST!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAH!!!!!! Miss u!!!!!!!!!

Joe- You BLOG that ass off!!! You're still an awesome writer! I love it.

Anika- so good talking again. Can't wait to see you.

And finally, here's some pictures of me to make all of you miss me EVEN MORE. (Eat your heart out Elyse, you COLD COLD SNAKE! MISS ME NOW!!??!!? LOL!)

I got new glasses...this makes me look insanely smarter. Better to fool people with!

I took up smoking!

Just kidding! Ciggy smoke still puts me to sleep faster than watching Chinese MTV. And I also want to preserve my sperm count.

The Real World: Taipei which consists of me, Katie, Danny, Leon and Cherie on our road trip out to Miaoli.

Developed mutant powers on my trip to Hong Kong.

As well as drinking powers. TEQUILA SHOTS WITH EMILY TING AGAIN!!! YAY!

And finally, here's a picture of the RANDOM sculpture Ellen and I found of Chiang Kai Shek in an alley. HOT!

Will blog more, will write more, will call more, will mail more.

Promise.

Love,
Helen :)

The LIGHTER Side of Losing My Powerbook...

2006-03-25T01:50:00.000+08:00

...is being friends with my PC again. I FORGOT how wonderful my Dell laptop was!
(for those Mac Freaks, sit down...I didn't lose lose my powerbook. It's in the shop for F@#$$KIN' 7-10 DAYS because it STOPPED WORKING aka wouldn't turn on or stay on)

Right now I'm backing up old files, discovering forgotten artwork, half written stories, screenplays, work files, um, a break-up letter I wrote, old photos...

These old computers are like DIGITAL TIME CAPSULES.

Here's a relic from my days as an NYU student...the dogs of Washington Square Park:

Slang in Asia-Part 2

2006-03-24T17:19:00.000+08:00

I was speaking in Chinese the other day...and my tongue tripped over the word for "criticize":

批評
English: to criticize
Pronunciation: Pi Ping

That's right folks...pi ping. Very close to pee peeing.

Hence, the birth of a new slang term for my life in Taiwan.

Pee Peeing
definition: to criticize in a very negative manner, sometimes associated with something Taiwanese that is so hideous, you would want to verbally deface/pee on it.
Usage:
"Stop pee peeing me for facts that you aren't even clear on."
"That outfit is so ugly, I can't resist pee peeing it."

phrases: "pee peeing on"
Usage: "She was pee peeing on the food at Taipei's New York City Bagels, because shite, man, their food and service is abominable!"

Give it UP for the DOG!

2006-03-22T00:03:00.000+08:00

From my beautiful friend Lisa Kim, who is doing SO MUCH GOOD volunteering at the Glendale Humane Society.

That's her handsome boy, PIPER, left.

WHY DOGS DON'T LIVE AS LONG AS PEOPLE

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year- old Irish Wolfhound named Belker.
The dog's owners,Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying ofcancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and
offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something fromthe experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter
than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up,"I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting
explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good
life -- like loving everybody all the time andbeing nice, right?"
The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly.

Thierry Kolpin, M.S.
Assistant Professor of Education
Assistant Chair Off-Campus

I sent this out initially to a small group of friends, and yeah, I think it got them all as misty eyed as me.

Now I'm INCREDIBLY SAPPILY DESPERATELY MISSING my OWN dog, Winne:

Luckily she's got a ways to go about loving everbody and being nice all the time. So that means I still have her around for a while. She's delightfully imperfect, greedy, lazy, snobby, flatulent, self-indulgent and did I say greedy? Ha! It's like I have a cat instead of a dog. But if she weren't all those things I wouldn't love her so much. :)

I Just Wanna Say...

2006-03-19T11:37:00.000+08:00

I'M OKAY!!!!!

:)

Yea, so I've been upset lately. Sheeeyite...I'm human. But don'cha all worry. I'm nowhere near Girl Interrupted or Prozac Nation.

Thanks for all the people who popped up near and far who expressed their sympathy and concern. It really helped and it was much easier to stabilize myself knowing that there were people who could support me through my bummed out period.

I'm very thankful, and lucky.

Thank you.

love,
Helen

How My Mood is Lately

2006-03-14T22:59:00.000+08:00

If you go outside and see a dude letting his dog take a dump on the sidewalk without bothering to clean it up-you'd be annoyed. But let's face it, you'd probably mind your own business and not say anything.

Now imagine, you're outside, and this same guy stands idly by while his Golden Retriever decides to drop TURD TORPEDOES all over your shoes.

Your first instinct is to probably FLIP OUT- SMEARING THE SHIT BACK ON the dog owner. FUCK YEAH!

How to get further incensed? Have some bystander analyze your actions and later derive that you have some big psychological chip on your shoulder who then prepares to lecture YOU, while IGNORING and SPARING the careless dog owner who started the whole damn mess by drenching you in shit.

This describes the injustice I've been feeling lately.

Thanks for all the people who commented or wrote me personally to say:
a) I was right to feel angry
b)that they wished physical harm on Canadian Dumbass and my friend who was less than understanding
and
c) that I should just fuck Taiwan and go back home.

Hmmm...I wholeheartedly agree with A. I can only half agree to B and C though. Give me some time though.

Rice-a-Hornies Upset Me

2006-03-12T06:26:00.000+08:00

So the other day I had to restrain myself from projectile vomiting on this Canadian White Dude who made this bold, ABSOLUTE statement:

“Yea, I was just wondering the other day what it’d be like to be with a Black chick, I never dated Black before…no..no..sorry. It’s got to be Asian. ONLY Asians. Yea, I’m definitely more into Asians now.”

Oh no he DIDN’T. What the DAMN!? Women are PEOPLE! This isn’t like Sean John versus Vera Wang!

Living in Asia, and mingling with the English speaking community, I’m already resigned to the harsh reality that I’ve landed into the Mecca of Foreign Guys Who Have a Thing for Oriental Pussy Blossoms. Usually, they don’t bother me so much because they are generally smart enough to know that there’s an Asian Girl they want..and it ain’t me. They usually go for the girls with the weak English, not womanly..but GIRLY look, 100% Feminine no male traits, deferential, polite with a propensity to KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT who adore/worship Western Men in blind devotion.

So yea, they want a Stepford Asian Fembot or some shite like that.

I already suspect a large number of Foreign Males that I know in Taipei have Yellow Fever. Dude, some of their MySpace profiles are like virtual harems. It’s like they collect Asian Girls as collector cards. BUT, they don’t go sniffing up my tree, and they don’t acknowledge or speak about Asian women in THAT WAY in front of me…perhaps they fear a swift kick in the groinal area or that I will most likely react as prey does next to a predator and RUN LIKE THE DICKENS. But I also prefer to think that by now they understand my personality more to know that as a person, this kind of talk would really ANNOY THE SHIT out of me and cause me some sort of emotional distress. So out of respect? I hope? They save this shit talk for their male buddies.

But this Canadian White Boy did not know better, and he’s lucky I didn’t verbally castrate him.

I didn’t at the time, because I was emotionally tired. And I know if there is truly one thing that is sissyphian and a BIG TIME WASTER, it’s convincing someone with Asian Fetish…that he/she has Asian Fetish. An even bigger time waster would have to be convincing a person who admits he/she has Asian Fetish…that it’s wrong.

They are not likely to change. No person with Asian Fetish in their right mind is going to listen to my tirade and say, “HOLY COW! You are PERFECTLY RIGHT about the way I live my life. I have been wrong about my highly limited views of Asian people…when you said that highly thought provoking informative sentence, you systematically cracked my entire belief system down…and now I am cured of this cursed Yellow Fever. Hallelulliah! Now I can appreciate ALL RACES. GOD BLESS YOU.”

Shit. If some dude ever said this to me un-ironically, my bet would be that he was just trying to sleep with me. Point is. This is highly unbelievable, and to all you people who think you can try, god bless your noble hearts, but I think it will just cause you a lot of frustration, sorrow, and white hair. Stay young and beautiful!

But what can you do instead? I recommend standing up for your right to ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET MAD. If it smells like shit, it is shit. If someone says something that makes you uncomfortable…that’s because the person is incapable of understanding how you feel or just doesn’t care..so you should tell that person before engaging in passive aggressive revenge tactics. (Spreading rumors about small penis size and pushing them in front of oncoming buses are some of them.)

In retrospect I should have just told Canadian White Dude to shut the hell up. Or just excuse myself. That was my mistake. Because while I can’t preach how someone ELSE should change the way they are psychologically, I can defend WHY I don’t want to hear this kind of shit talk and be exposed to this.

Which leads me to ANOTHER fucking headache…dealing with a close friend who seemingly refuses to VALIDATE my anger or reasons for feeling this anger. Maybe it’s because he’s a guy. Maybe it’s because he’s Asian himself and doesn’t seem to understand WHAT THE BIG DEAL is. If he’s fine with hearing his friend talk about Asian chicks like that, why shouldn’t I be fine with it?! I honestly think that is how he feels. Everytime lately when I bring up how POO it was to have to hear this bile spill from Canadian White Dude’s mouth, I’m the one who ends up having to defend myself. WTF?!

It’s so typical. A woman gets all huffy because a guy makes insensitive comments, and she’s OVERREACTING. Or worse, making something small seem bigger than it really is. Frankly, I can deal with Canadian White Dude better than with my friend right now. I’m not that personally invested in that character, he’s just ignorant, and we aren’t close.

But now my close friend is needling me. I have to define what is the difference between fetish and preference. Am I being a little racist perhaps? Would I date a black man? What’s wrong with dating someone just for their appearance? How is Asian Fetish different than dating someone with big boobs or blonde hair?

Versus hmmm…my female friends..especially Asian American female friends-whose first reaction to Canadian White Guys’ comments were
“THAT’S DISGUSTING!”
“Dude. What is WRONG with him.”
“Oh. What. The. FUCK?”
“That is seriously fucked. I’m flying to Taiwan and kicking his ass for you. That is fucked.”

Honestly. That’s what I need to hear. Some fucking validation.

Just because you disapprove and are angry about Asian Fetish, doesn’t make you an ignorant dumbass person who doesn’t think SERIOUSLY and OBJECTIVELY about race. The fact that my close friend assumes that his comments are NOVEL..thought-provoking…insightful and new…forcing me to question a force that has infuriated me since puberty and confused me since childhood IS REALLY INSULTING.

No shit- like I haven’t had discussions like this in a billion million different forms throughout college, at a bar, some party, at the office, but usually directed at the Asian Fetish perpetrator. Never from a close friend!

Seriously, if a friend is UPSET about something-what would the purpose be in putting an already upset friend through the wringer? I mean, what is the agenda for all the interrogation?

I shouldn’t have to defend myself for feeling upset or angry. I can only blame myself for exposing myself to people and words that make me feel that way.

I'm fascinated...with myself.

2006-03-08T19:17:00.000+08:00

I'm bored as hell. Hence these funny little personality tests.

Consider this as a guide to who I am. Because we all know how accurate these tests are.

I guess the 30% is the part of me that is straight and finds John Stewart incredibly sexy...

You Are 70% Boyish and 30% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Wow. That cleared my gender confusion up. Shit. Where's my lipstick?

I've always suspected...

You Are Most Like Miranda!

While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first
Guys are a distant third to your friends and career.
And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses.
Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen.

Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect...

But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

But does this mean I'm going to wind up gettin' knocked up, and then possibly leaving my husband for a lesbian lover down the line? Cynthia Nixon is AMAZING! But the rest of this is pretty much straight up true.

Instead I took the road of a selfish artist...

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

I feel like Madame Freakin' Curie..."PIERRE! We've discovered a NEW ELEMENT!"

Ok, now this makes me want to cry...

You Belong in New York City

You're an energetic, ambitious woman.
And only NYC is fast enough for you.
Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer career
Or simply take in all the city has to offer.

What City Do You Belong In?

Yes, as if I needed affirmation on THAT notion from a software program. I'm so NYC it hurts.

Listen to THIS, MotherBITCH...and MTVChi-WTF?!

2006-02-26T16:59:00.001+08:00

Wow. I mean. Wow.

From what I could glean about Notorious MSG is that they're like Beastie Boys meets Long Duk Dong. On the surface they seem so GODDAMN OFFENSIVE, but if you look closer, like at their interesting interview with Gothamist.com it seems like they are fighting for Asian American issues that need to get more exposure. Sure, it's delivered as a joke, but underneath that joke a lot of issues like Chinese Food Delivery Fatalities and the fact that we don't drive motherfuckin' rickshaws as well as the,erm..apparent virility of the "Chinese Egg Roll" gets through to a more mainstream audience.

Plus, they're funny. Anyone who says their music "doesn't just get in your ears, it gets in your butt hole and VIBRATES" deserves a listen, right?!

On a side note. Mtv apparently launched a separate music channel for Chinese American Music. It's called..wait for it...MTVChi When did this happen?!

Personally, I have to wonder how effective minority interest entertainment channels like Logo, WE, Lifetime, BET, MTVChi are.
Sure the "gesture" that they're out there seems like the entertainment business is doing "something" to address us. But frankly, I have to wonder if by making these channels, big channels like MTV are only further avoiding responsibility of diversifying their own content. Like, if I have to watch the SAME GODDAMN Ashlee Simpson video on MTV and see the ZILLIONTH repeat of an MTV Cribs episode, what excuse is there to not put some Notorious MSG and MC Jin up there with it?

Also, as a Chinese American woman (yikes, I actually went there! ha!), I am not apt to go right to WE, O, Lifetime, MTVChi etc..for my programs. For example, I didn't find Notorious MSG off of MTVChi. I came across their interview with gothamist.com. Through Notorious MSG, that was how I even knew MTVChi EXISTED. Hey, isn't it supposed to work backwards? And isn't it strange that in TAIWAN I'm the first of my Asian American friends to hear about BOTH Notorious MSG AND MTVChi?

The only thing I think can redeem a channel like MTVChi is if they put on some original programming that attracts a general wide interest. Kinda what Queer Eye did for Bravo. Otherwise they're stuck with an "urban ghetto" status that will make it really hard for them to make any real impact.

www.notoriousmsg.com Apparently these boys will "sexually assualt your ears for free" in various shows around the States. Most recently my old digs, NYC. If anyone catches a show, let me know if they're good.

Helen Gets All Pissy Homesick This Week and Finds Something That Spells it ALL OUT WHY

2006-02-20T04:10:00.000+08:00

Asian American Empowerment: ModelMinority.com - Postcard from Taiwan

This guy totally goes off on a rant explaining why he can't fit in Taiwan, even though he is Taiwanese American.

I agree with some of the things he says.

Not everything he says is true for everyone I have met. Luckily, I know a lot of people from Taiwan who do not fit his complaints (and you guys have helped me not fly out of here screaming)....but once again, this reflects why I fit better in NYC than I ever will here.

My roots just dont take to the soil here.

Nothing Asian..JUST FUNNY!

2006-02-16T00:09:00.000+08:00

The Awful Forums - How to make Garfield funny....remove his thought balloons

Funniest thing I've seen in a while.

I used to LOVE reading Garfield comics. I thought they were funniest things on Earth. But then they kind of got too..trite for me?

Repurposing a childhood love for my modern day sensibilities...lovin' it.

Transformers...Asians in DISGUISE!

2006-02-14T01:18:00.000+08:00

I went to a party this weekend at the BEST apartment I'd seen in Taipei.There were some really cool people there and I had a great time chilling in a HOUSE without stupid cover charges and cigarette smoke.

I didn't really talk at first when I got there, because I was feeling a little shy, so noone really talked to me either. I didn't think so much about it, until someone asked me where I was from.

"I'm from New Jersey."

All of a sudden I became a fascinating creature.

Everyone was infinitely tickled by that. Even further more when I said I was most recently from Brooklyn.

Then it dawned on me..."Oooh...they thought I was a local chica!"

To some of the foreigners who aren't Asian ethnically, I think it must be such a head trip when I start rambling in perfect English. English bred by NJ Valley Girl Mall Culture nonetheless. And to the others I guess they're just like, "Oh, cool. She's American. That explains the decent hair and lack of pastel in her wardrobe."

Ugh. I hated that. Yea, I can understand where the mistake lies. If anything, I have to remind myself to be more outgoing than I usually am to compensate for the fact I DON'T look American anymore. It definitely beats being ignored by a group of people from your country because they assume you don't speak the language or are an uninteresting local in their eyes. But it sucks that it has to be that way. But each time I do open my mouth, well, I hope everyone will remember those Asians back home who were actually cool and could speak perfect English. Yea...hey, we're in Taiwan too you know.

Either way, no matter where I go. If I drop my English bomb among locals or other Americans...I guess I stick out a bit more no matter what. Hahaha...maybe that's why I like to hang out with my friends who are crazier or as crazy as me.
There is something to be said about strength in numbers.

But seriously, this is why I blend in better in America than I do here. And why I don't think I'll ever feel 100% at home in Asia.

I think next time I go to a party where the majority of people are Non-Asian Foreigners, I'll pull a move like the Korean chick in Lost and PRETEND not to speak English, and then suddenly SHOCK N'AWE the crap out of everyone by dropping an English Bomb laced with profanities in the middle of the party.

No wait. I wouldn't be able to stand not being able to be myself: THE JERSEY GIRL.

BON JOVI RAWKS!!!! SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOU'RE TO BLAAAME. YOU GIVE LOOOOOVE.....A BAD-NAME.

Say My Name, Say My Name...

2006-02-07T00:41:00.000+08:00

"Distinguished Bright Luminous Moral Relationship and Order"

I looked up the meaning of my Chinese name using the Yahoo Chinese-English Dictionary.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAAA!

I sound like the Bhuddist Goddess of the Hearth. Watch out homewreckers, harlots and immoral coveters of neighbors' wives.
There's a new Sheriff in Town. Someone's got to keep our relationships moral and in order.

But you don't have to call me that or anything. Keep it simple.

I'll also answer to "Super Sparkly Nun".

Same diff, right????

Slang in Asia-Pt.1

2006-01-31T02:01:00.000+08:00

Since living here, my friends and I have developed an extensive slang vocabulary to better articulate the flavors of the culture in Taipei, Taiwan:

Sars:
Short for Sorry.
"Sars I'm late, I forgot to turn on my alarm this morning."

Ahab:
Noun derived from Captain Ahab in Moby Dick who obsessively pursued the Big White Whale. Refers to a local women who specifically tries to get white foreign boyfriends or someone who has Western Fetish or an Americanizer.
" Gurl is such an Ahab. She goes after anything that's white. Can't she at least date someone foreign and not homeless looking??!"

Done Hwa'ed:
Phrase referring to hip and expensive Zhongxiao Dunhua area in Taipei where you will shop your salary away.
"Hwa" is the Mandarin Chinese word for "spend".
"I feel like shit. I up and done hwa'ed all my money yesterday on shoes and now I can't pay my rent."

Carnie:
Noun that describes a really square looking, usually older foreign guy scoping for young hot asian chicks. Derived from Carnegies, a bar in Taipei that has a reputation for lots of Local Asian Girl/Foreigner One Night Stands.
"OMG- that guy in the Members Only Jacket? TOTAL CARNIE! Hide your sister!"

Avian:
Adjective that describes a place of squalor that could easily breed filth and disease. Or a description of feeling ill yourself.
"I'm feeling a little avian right now after sitting on that bus with all the Asians coughing with their mouths open."

Dropping the English Bomb:
Phrase that describes the unique experience of being Asian and completely blending in..until you start speaking fluent English and the people around you snap their heads to stare.
"Shite...I just dropped the English bomb in the elevator when I answered your call and everyone stared at me like a freak."

Jap-Off:
Noun describing a contest usually between two Asian Americans of non-Japanese denomination to see who gets mistaken for being Japanese more while living in Taiwan. (Because if your Chinese sucks and you're Asian, you're obviously Japanese. No WAY are you American! Americans have blonde hair and blue eyes!)
"I WIN the Jap-Off! The 7-Eleven girl just said 'Arigato' to me when I left the store!"

Okay..that's it for now. More later. I promise.

Happy Chinese New Year of Stuffing Your Face!

2006-01-30T00:34:00.000+08:00

Just to give everybody an idea of what I've been doing THIS WHOLE NEW YEAR'S so far.....

1.Duck Stew
2.Tiny Lobster Tails
3.Mussels
4. Roast Pork
5.Beef Stomach (i swear it's good!)
6. Snow Peas, Carrots, Mushrooms
7.Asparagus, Mushrooms, Bamboo
8. Squid
9.Chinese Sausages
10. Pork with 5 Layers
11. Yummy Oil Chicken
12. Beef Roast
13. Mom's Famous Roast Duck
14. Yummy Fish
15. Meatballs and Cabbage Soup
16. Japanese Apples
17. Asian Pears

And that's just the first night. Oh yowza.

Here are some closeups and alternate angles to give everyone a better idea of how crazy I went at the table.

Stay tuned for more food adventures this holiday!

Sweeping Out 2005

2006-01-29T12:41:00.000+08:00

Following the Chinese New Year tradition, my whole company had to roll up their sleeves and pitch in to CLEAN AND SCRUB every nook, cranny, crevice and crack of our office clean before we all broke for the holidays. By doing this, we are removing all the bad luck that may have accumulated there over the past year.

I contributed mightily by documenting the process...aka running around taking pictures of everybody ELSE cleaning.

Here are some of the highlights:

YC and Mao attack the conference room.

Scott and Lucky clean a display model, while Scott disses it. "I'm not saying it's BAD, I'm only saying there is a lot of room for the artist to improve and I'd be MORE than willing to tell him how. MWAHHAHAHAA!"

Lucky finds a SPOT! Get it, get it get it!!!!

Dude, Michael. Are you working or talking to your girlfriend?!

I feel like I'm in Star Trek whenever I pass through this hallway.

To fit more workers, we installed these prison cells, I mean cubicles. UM...any suggestions on how to make them more FRIENDLY looking? How can we feng shui this place up?!

My boss' cubicle. LORD.

After everyone cleaned, the other manager and I examined their workspaces and gave them permission to leave.
I stuck around and took some pictures of all the toys in our office. Wow, the half naked anime girls are very popular.

I like this tradition. The whole company rolling up their sleeves and cleaning up our own accumulated mess together. That's a great way to end and start a year in my opinion.

Madonna Gets Super Spoofed on Japanese Television

2006-01-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

Got this from one of our R&D guys who was HOWLING from his desk.
As my friend Eric would call it, this is so TFO- Total Fierceness Overload.

Fast forward past Madonna's performance and GO STRAIGHT to the Samurai Guy when he comes out.

Asian Males Are More Secure in Their Masculinity-Part 2

2006-01-23T01:51:00.000+08:00

From Taiwan. My land. My home. My people.

I see a theme emerging. Asian men don't give a damn if you think they're gay. If they want to wear wigs, dance in short shorts, and channel BEYONCE in public, then go and make out with their hot girlfriends...they will. Seriously, do any of the males back in the states have the COJONES to do this?

Word on the internets is the backup dancers are women...but "Beyonce" is a dude whose got a girlfriend. F'reals.

Apparently Asian Men are More Secure in their Masculinity...

2006-01-11T22:03:00.000+08:00

...enough to be able to do this on national television.

See this NOW! NOW! NOW! (I mean it)

Mondays...SUCK.

2006-01-10T00:54:00.000+08:00

Honestly, can this day get any worse?!

Oh, it just did.

I'll spare you the details.

Just TRUST me.

>:P phhbbtttt.......

First Celebrity Sellout of the Year!

2006-01-09T01:34:00.000+08:00

Thank god Richard Gere had a credit card or else he'd never have been able to make friends with that little Indian girl.

When I first saw this I thought it was a little odd. I don't think Richard's posse usually includes young Indian minors. But now that I've seen the commercial, this makes a little more sense. Is it playing in the States?

Ghost in the Geisha: Robo Asians Are Fierce

2006-01-08T04:39:00.000+08:00

Looking at the poster for the new Memoirs of a Geisha film starring ZZ Yi, I couldn't help but feel like I was staring at a promo for the live action version of Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence.

I know the blue eyes for Sayuri, ZZ's character was a MAJOR PLOT POINT in the book to make up for the fact that she was WAY BORING otherwise. And yes, Geisha's are supposed to have white skin.

STILL, did they have to make her look like such a cyborg? And where did her nose go?!!?

On that note:

At last, the trifecta is now complete!

Seriously, is eye color the only thing Michael Jackson HASN'T changed about his appearance? He might as well conquer that anthill and join up with his sistahs.

Closing Thoughts and Ruminations:

*Asians in color contacts look inhuman and robotic.
*Michael Jackson should move to Asia. Black Hair,Whitening Lotion, Sars Mask already in vogue.
*Stay tuned for my Memoirs review after I see the film. (I am actually quite curious)

Glue Your Lids Back you Idolizer of Western Beauty, You!

2006-01-08T04:21:00.000+08:00

Scary Asian Makeup
Originally uploaded by hellinjay.

The only nice thing I have to say about this is at least it's reversible.

Sometimes I see girls take it too far with the surgery.
Pretty weird. They don't look Asian. They don't look foreign. But you can tell they're not mixed. It's like their faces LITERALLY reflect the whole muck of their indentity issues. Oh yea, and they can't blink.

For Xmas A Guy Tried to Beat me Up at Luxy!

2006-01-06T12:09:00.000+08:00

I went to the Christmas party at Luxy's where a guy twice my size, high on Ecstasy and NOT feeling the love tried to beat me up. Luckily his friends held him back and I was whisked away by my pals.

Luxy is Taipei's biggest/smokiest/most overpriced/crowded nightclub. I normally avoid it, but I went with good friends who got me a free pass inside. As usual, the hip hop was strong, the dancing derivative, and everyone was ignoring all sorts of fire and building code violations.

The story isn't really worth repeating in detail. All I can say was I was joking around by pretending to freak out like some agoraphopic germaphobic freak. And yea, at one point I just started yelling (like Invader Zim):

"All these FIIIIILTHY GEEEEERMY PEEEEEOPLE! Noone Fuckin' touch me!"

Some strangers who understood English too laughed with us. Except this one guy. He started cursing me out.

"YOU FUCKIN' BITCH! FUCKING. BITCH. WHORE!"

UM......

Then he did started heaving his chest out, trying to get in my face, then backing away, all the while staring me down, before lunging, arms flailing to punch me. It was so National Geographic.

INCREDIBLY,two hours later my friend sees a guy checking her out, and it's HIM.
And he's sitting with a group of people she KNOWS.

Later, we found out this guy:
a) was high on ecstasy
b) was a proud graduate of Taipei American School
c) had changed his tactic from hitting girls to just hitting ON them.
d) didn't recognize me as the 110 lb. girl he tried to beat up hours earlier

Why do I have trouble meeting people in Taipei? Particularly guys? Do you really need to ask?

On that note. Does Luxy follow fire and building code violations? And why do so many people in Taipei need ecstasy to have a good time when they go out? Seriously, they pop them like Tic Tacs over here.

Maximum Extreme Marshmallow Maxi Pads!

2006-01-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

Maximum Extreme Marshmallow Maxi Pads!
Originally uploaded by hellinjay.

Yes. This proves that the Chinese will eat anything.

Lies My Mother Have Told Me #1

2006-01-04T22:17:00.000+08:00

Just over a year ago, while I was still considering the wide eyed option of traveling to a foreign land, my mom SHAMELESSLY bribed me over here with the idea of us getting a family car and letting me drive it around Taipei. And not just ANY car...

Mom:Your Grandmother is outraged that Chen Shui-Bian's [Current President of Taiwan that my family loathes] son is driving a Jaguar around the city and parking it in spaces reserved for high ranking military officers..."

Me: Oh yea? What did she say?

Mom: She said, "Chen thinks he's so great. What's the big deal?! We can get a Jaguar too! Let Helen drive one when she gets here!"

My ears perked up. First of all, I didn't even know we could afford a Jaguar.

Mom: I mean, we SHOULD get a car. The new apartment we're moving into has a parking space and it'd be a shame not to use it. Plus there's no subway near our house, so we'd HAVE to get a car. And you can drive to the mountains, and the beach with your friends whenever you'd like....

Me in My Head: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Mom: (reeling in the fish) But seriously. She prefers a Mercedes Benz. She feels those are the safest cars.

Me in My Head: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's fast forward to present day. My mom COMPLETELY denies this conversation ever took place. (Because we all know I have a tendency to hallucinate long distance calls concerning luxury vehichles) She said I could get a scooter, then nixed that idea too. Finally, I had to buy my own crappy one speed bicycle. Her response:

"You can do whatever you want. It's your money."

Needless to say, from a Jaguar to a one speed. Genius, Mom...genius.

New Years at Taipei 101 a.k.a. 9/11 Sponsored by SONY

2006-01-04T02:34:00.000+08:00

As someone who just recently moved from NYC to Taipei, this was a pretty weird start for my New Year...

In retrospect maybe I shouldn't have been standing RIGHT underneath the tallest building in the world as it was LIT UP with fireworks and flames shooting from its sides. I honestly had no idea that was how they were going to approach it. I surely didn't expect to think..."Wow, this is so 9/11" as I started off my 2006. But then things got more surreal with the introduction of this...

For the less eagle eyed...here's a better close up of what it says from this dude Tanjun's Flickr Site:

WHAT A COMMERCIAL! Sony must have ponied up a ton of money to get that kind of publicity. Seriously, for the rest of the night and at work the next day everyone was debating if it was the word "Bravo" misspelled or wondering out loud what the heck a "Bravia" even is. My friends and I started booing once they flashed the Sony ad on the 101 Tower after it showed up. Today I was ranting about how the commercialism sucked, until I came across this awesome panoramic VIRTUAL TIMES SQUARE New Years photo! (Complete with sounds and Mariah Carey's cleavage)

That put things a LITTLE more in perspective.
How many ads can you find in the photo? Let's make an Eye Spy Game out of this!!!

HAPPY 2006! Buy lots of Sony Bravias after you find out what it is and show Mimi some love by paying to see her (inevitable) next feature that she'll surely be droppin' this year!

Me in Asia

2006-01-04T02:17:00.000+08:00

Howdy. This is a girl I saw two years ago at the peak of the SARS outbreak crisis in Taiwan. As you can see she had on a SARS mask emblazoned with a knockoff Mickey Mouse face on it. SO RIDICULOUS and HILARIOUS. Which basically summarizes what living in Asia is like for me most of the time. I also couldn't think of an image to better rep this log and who I am.

Medium: Flash+ Memory based on a misplaced sketch